aging hipsters' retirement home
Goat Flatulence In The News Again
The Hipster is a busy man. The amount of work that it takes to maintain a site like The Home is oftentimes simply too much for one man to bear. What, with the endless link maintenance, chart scouting and survey making, it's a wonder your Hipster manages to post at all. Such a situation is no doubt hardest for you, the loyal reader. You disconnect the phone, strip to your skivvies, sit down with your favorite beverage and log on to the Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home, hoping to find some gleaming nugget of truth (whether it be pyrite or no) in the vast Klondike that is the human experience. Often, you are disappointed to find that the Hipster has not recently posted. How very sad those moments must be for you. The Hipster hears your wails of pain and misery.
That is why, from time to timeTM, your Hipster brings you a story such as this one.
As many of you may already know, our fearless leader wants to bomb Iraq "really, really bad." There has been much debate as of late pertaining to this subject. There are some that say that Iraq poses no threat to the WestTM. There are others, like Bush, who disagree.
At the heart of Bush's argument lies the postulation that Iraq possesses "weapons of mass destruction." If Iraq did, in fact, possess such weaponry, Bush would be entirely justified in his desire to bomb Iraq. Any nation with any means whatsoever of defending itself must be wiped from the face of the Earth by the Holy Hand of the American military. Any dictatorial regime other than ours must be squashed; after all, regime change is what democracy is all about (ponder that one, why don't you). Up until now, however, there has been no proof that such weapons exist in Iraq. Up until now. AHRH NewsTM, long a staple player in the global chess game of politically consciencious journalism, has made a startling discovery that proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Saddam Hussein is a really, really, bad guy, and therefore, that millions of Iraqis deserve to die.
Remember when Iraq decided to let the WestTM inspect its weapons-making facilities just a few days ago? It has come to the attention of AHRH NewsTMcorrespondents that UN weapons inspectors have in fact been secretly conducting inspections in Iraq. What they have found may surprise you.
Apparently, those bastards in Iraq have been planning to gas the world with goat farts. Yes, you read that correctly. Hussein is planning to coat the western hemisphere with a thick blanket of barnyard odor. It's frightening, the Hipster knows. But get ahold of yourself. No, Really. If you become afraid, the Iraqis win.
Most disturbingly, the goats that will be used in such an attack were purchased from an AMERICAN goat salesman, a man who goes by the name of Poot.
Benedict Arnold would be very proud. To think that an American would try to help those who wish to defend themselves. Tsk Tsk.
And Iraq is no better. Don't they know We're the best? Stink bombing the world... Who ever heard of such a thing? Do they honestly believe that simply because they have no military and no money that they have the right to bombard Our olfactory nerves with noxious goatian ass-gasses?
That is the way that wars will be fought in the twenty-first century, many say. Pundits and analysts the world over are saying that We are fighting a war We cannot win. Such an argument does not ring true with many AmericansTM. In the words of Texas Poet Laureate Craig Tigerman, "I just think it's real stupid. I mean, hey, why can't them A-rabs just realize that Americans is just full of real smart guys who rules the world. We invented electricity, the sun, life itself, freedom, and corn. Why, they're just a bunch of savages who don't knows nuthin'!"
Well put, O Texan master-bard!
Added at_3:43:00 AM
The Hipster would like to apologize for the problems that have been plaguing the Home for the last few days. His image hosting has been on the fritz. Everything seems to be in order now, however, so you may once again enjoy AHRH content in its full glory.
Thank you for your patience,
Added at_2:17:00 PM
Banderas, Liu in This Year's Finest Film
Every once in a great while, a film comes along that reminds Us what it means to love. In the 80's, there was The Terminator. In the 90's, We were romanced (again) by Arnold SchwarzeneggerTM and Jamie "Lee" Curtis in True Lies. Now that We find Ourselves firmly inside the threshold at the doorway to the 00's, it would seem as if SchwarzeneggerTM is no longer the actor of choice for directors who wish to explore the tenderest places of the human heart. In Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, it is none other than Antonio Banderas who will remind Us what it means to be a human being in an increasingly complex world. Like Kindergarten Cop, Ecks vs. Sever is not a tumor.
While the Hipster is not necessarily known for His film reviews, He has been so moved by this film that He cannot refrain from sharing His opinion with His audience. Of course, the Hipster has not actually seen the film, but He has seen The Making of Ecks vs. Sever on HBO, which He feels is more than a sufficient amount of effort on His part, given the nature of today's post-911TM film environment.
The film is full of those unexpected little nuggets of filmic delight that lead Us all to seek refuge in the chambers of Our figurative hearts. For example, the Hipster was particularly impressed with the way in which the film's "director," KAOS (the Hipster is not sure whether KAOS is a man or a company), dealt with the motivations of his (its?) characters. Agent Eck (Banderas) wants only to avenge the loss of his family, who were killed in an explosion. Agent Sever (Liu), however, seeks to exact revenge upon those responsible for the deaths of her loved ones. These two characters clearly come from completely different worlds, which makes their budding romance just that much more poetic. When was the last time a male lead and a female lead in an action film found love amidst the adversity that comes along with being international spies? The answer, dear readers, is never. Ecks vs. Sever is wholly oiriginal.
As you probably already know, the Hipster does not ordinarily like to deal in wanton hyperbole. That is why you should take His word for it when He says that Ecks vs. Sever is perhaps one of the most heart-breakingly poignant love stories ever made. Period. You will go to a theater near you and see this film at once!
Added at_11:34:00 PM
the Hipster Hears From Todd Rock.
Remember Todd Rock? Do any of you, the Hipster's dear readers, feel any particular ringing of proverbial bells at the mention of this long-forgotten soul's name? Do any among you, like the Hipster, find yourself trudging down the woe-begotten path to yesteryear that you have diligently cut through the weeds of time, only to trip upon a root sticking out from the stump of the past?
Todd Rock (as those among you who who prescribe to the teachings of the Hipster should probably know) is that poor, sad, ladyless lad whose distraught visage first caught OurTM eye so many days ago. We were moved by his lonliness. We were touched by his plaintive call to thoughtful and classy ladies everywhere. We have forgotten his name; but we shall never forget his legacy. For it lives on in all of Our hearts, and those bastards can't take that away from us.
The following is the text of an email that the Hipster received from Todd Rock only hours ago, printed here in its entirety. Mr Rock writes:
RE: i want to help you
You are the first to answer in my time of need.
I appreciate greatly what you are tring to do for me.
As of yet your "hippites" have not yet answered your
trumpeting call,save one fellow who wanted to lead me
down the ol' hershy highway. Let's get one thing
clear, Todd Rock don't play that. I'm from the 80's,
not the 70's. Anyways, keep up the good work, and
hopefully one day, all the "hippites" and the Hipster
himself will be invited to the wedding,
Godspeed you mighty man!
The Hipster does not know quite what to make of this mysterious missive. Is He to believe that Todd Rock is thanking Him for a job well attempted? Is He to believe that Todd Rock is actually the creation of some irreverant prankster? Well, the Hipster simply does not know, and that is why He is sending the text of Today's EntryTM to firstname.lastname@example.org. He is also asking that all of you address your own queries to this same address, for We must clearly reaffirm Our dedication to non-hershey-highway-ism. Not that We have a problem with that kind of thing, but We have been wrongly accused. Todd Rock's meticulous observation of the Hipster's rhetorical patterns and mode of discourse is nothing short of keen. We must all band together in this troublesome time. Write to email@example.com today.
For more information on this subject, which is very close to the Hipster's heartTM, please see the post dated 6-17-02. Let's find out what Todd Rock, if that's his name, is all about.
Added at_3:52:00 AM
The Hipster Receives Subtle Threat From God's Spokesmen
Operation THANK YOU, DEMONBUSTER! is working. As you may (should) already know, the Hipster sent a friendly thank-you email to our friends Stan and Liz Madrak over at www.demonbuster.com, the text of which can be found in one of the Hipsters' posts from late last night. The Hipster received a response from our favorite demon removal specialists this morning, and was a bit disturbed at what He saw therein:
DELIVERANCE RE: Your webpage saved my life.
Greetings! I will thank you, but if you are making fun, stand by for heavy
rolls. God has a way of taking care of mockers.
JESUS IS THE DELIVERER
Stan and Elizabeth Madrak
to which the hipster replied:
DELIVERANCE RE: Your webpage saved my life.
Are you threatening me? How Christlike of you.
PS: could I get extra butter with those heavy rolls?
The Hipster was shocked. He had simply wanted to thank the Madraks for the excellent work they did in chasing the evil imps of Satan from His Retirement Home. What did He get in return for those thanks? A hearty "you're welcome?" A coupon for $5 off His next exorcism? No, dear friends. He got nothing less than THE IRE OF GOD! It has come to the Hipster's attention that not only are the Madraks very bad at web design (see www.demonbuster.com), not only are they shockingly illiterate and/or incoherent (see the phrase "stand by for heavy rolls," but they also are entirely lacking in common decency. When the Hipster thanks you, He had better be "welcomeTM"!
Again, the Hipster would like to encourage all of His readers to send loads of emails to those fucking ingrate Madraks. Please send copies of the text from your emails to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Added at_2:28:00 PM
goddamn, this site kept the Hipster entertained for hours.
Added at_1:27:00 AM
The following text was sent from the HipsterTM's desk to the kind folks at www.demonbuster.com just moments ago. The Hipster would like to encourage all of His readers to do likewise. It's all part of Operation THANK YOU, DEMONBUSTER!. Please contact Stan and Liz Madrak at BloodOfJesus@demonbuster.com.
RE: Your webpage saved my life.
I want to thank you. You have permanently removed those fitful demon bastards from the abysmal nether regions of my now-reborn soul. Scarcely three days have passed since you bound them in shackles of love, and already I feel as if a huge, (demonic) burden has been lifted away from my figurative back. DEMONBUSTER! is the best product on the market today. O, sire and madam Madrak, I want to thank you.
Added at_1:11:00 AM
Get Thee Out, Devil Spawn!
Are you posessed by a malevolant entity, but you just can't seem to fit the high cost that goes with a quality exorcism into your budget? Well look no further. Stan and Elizabeth Madrak at www.demonbuster.com have recently unveiled a new demon removal service that promises to revolutionize the industry. According to the Madraks, DEMONBUSTER! services, LLC. provides top-notch demon-chasing services, and at rock bottom prices!
Each quality DEMONBUSTER! exorcism comes complete with a 30 day Money Back GuaranteeTM on all parts and labor, a subscription to the DEMONBUSTER! Newsletter, a certificate proclaiming the exorcised party to be 100% "demon free", a high quality DEMONBUSTER! coffe mug, and six DEMONBUSTER! balloons for the kids.
Just listen to these testimonials:
My demon was really gettin' on my damn nerves. Every time I would lay my pencil down, that dang 'ol demon would knock it off'n my desk! And what's more, ever time I went to take a poopie, and started in to wipin' my dang ass, 'at 'ol demon would make me drop the toilet paper and wipe my crack with my own fingers! But thanks to DEMONBUSTER!, I am now 100% Demon Free! Halleluia! Thank you, DEMONBUSTER!
-- Ned Frankel, Arlington TX
Demons are such a drag. But DEMONBUSTER got rid of my demon quickly and painlessly. DEMONBUSTER! saved the day.
-- Imogene Stewart, Long Island NY
Tried the best? Now try the rest!
-- Gene Simmons, Hollywood CA
Clearly, DEMONBUSTER! is already the demon removal service of choice for the income-challengedTM American.
SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER! For a Limited Time, buy one DEMONBUSTER! exorcism at Regular Price and get your second exorcism ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE! Just be sure and tell the nice folks at DEMONBUSTER! that the Hipster sent you!
DEMONBUSTER! is a licensed and fully accredited demon removal service.
Added at_1:03:00 AM
the hipster will be back soon.
Added at_4:59:00 AM
the hipster lives
Added at_4:56:00 AM