aging hipsters' retirement home
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Government officials™ told the press on Thursday that Abd al Rahim al Nashiri, whom they believe to be the "Grand Master" of al Qaeda, has been in their custody for over a month now. Al Qaeda is of course the dastardly bunch that tried to steal Our Sweet American Apple Pie™ (see the Hipster's post for 1.28.2002). Officials, who have been hounding al Qaeda ever since The Great Pie Heist™ of last year, are calling the capture of al Nashiri a great victory in The War on Terrorism™ (more colloquially known as Operation Kick-Ass). Abd al Rahim al Nashiri has been on "President" Bush's top-secret S.H.I.T. list for months. Law Enforcement™ officials have been searching for him since January, often confounded by his wily, fox-like hiding abilities.Finding him turned out to be a much simpler proposition than anyone had ever imagined. In an exclusive interview with AHRH News™, Mr. Bush spoke of just how simple:
Yeah, we was real glad to find him. We had been looking all over that there desert over there in Europe, 'cause that's where them ragheads like to hang out. It's part of their... culture. I don't know, I guess they like worshipping cactuses or something. Anyways, I was in my Ovum Office the other day playing Nintendo, and Uncle Cheney called me on my Garfield phone. It's a real cool phone, the eyes just open up real big when you take the part you talk into off the hook. I think daddy got it at Service Merchandise. Anyways, uncle Cheney said they got that Abdomen Raheem Al Sushi guy over at the Federal Jail. I says to him, I says, "hey uncle Dick, that's great." He said, "Yes, Georgie, yes it is." Then he told me they found him working in a convenience store in Alexandria, Virginia.The Hipster then asked Our Leader™ how he could be sure that we have arrested the right man, to which the "President" replied:
Well, it's just got to be him. I mean he's got real dark skin and he wears a rag on his head. I mean unless he's just some Mexican guy who's trying to dry his hair. I kind of doubt that, though.Mr. Bush then described his new plan aimed at capturing and lynching as many "al Qaeda operatives" as possible:
Yeah, we learned a lot from this one. That whole finding him in a convenience store thing is probably the best thing that ever happened to us. That's another one in the "Win" column for U.S. Intelligence. (The Hipster doubts that Mr. Bush managed to see the many levels of ironic "entendre" in this last statement.)
We're going to use that intelligence. We'll be looking for Al Keeters (sic) in convenience stores, motels, and falafel stands from here on out. That's where they hide, you see. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this 'cause it's kind of a secret, but we found another Al Keeter just yesterday. He was working at a carpet mill in Dalton, Georgia. Some of the other guys tried to tell me he was just a Mexican, but he was an Al Keeter if I ever saw one. I know he was 'cause he was speaking some weird language that didn't sound like American.Mr. Bush then looked into the Hipster's tape recorder, apparently thinking it was a camera, and said:
We will not rest until we have rounded up all of you Al Keeters. You may think you can hide, but you can't run... I mean you can hide, but you can't run in circles again. We will not rest until we've rounded up all the swarthies. Next stop, Iraq. After that, I think we're going to start a war in Palestinia, but I need to talk to uncle Cheney about that. Thank you. The president then straightened his tie, shook the Hipster's hand, and walked into the closet. It would seem that he thought that it was the exit. The Hipster and His associates waited for over five minutes before Bush finally realized that he was in the closet and came out, at which point he said, "Just looking for my coat."
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V.P. Cheney Confounds Reporters With Stirring Rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot"
While fielding reporters' questions at a recent White House "Press" Conference™, United States™ Vice President Dick Cheney flabbergasted all present by unexpectedly bursting into his interpretation of the classic children's song. Cheney began the conference with a brief statement addressing the U.S.™'s current difficulty in convincing France and Russia to give their blessing to Operation Blow Up Baghdad™:
The United States will do everything in its power to convince the Frogs and the Russkies to get their act together and support the effort to invade Iraq. If they won't get on board, well then... We'll just have to go around them. In fact, I propose that we just drop a couple hundred nucular (sic)weapons on that whole Europe/Asia thing over there and kill all those birds with one rock. I mean, who gives a horse's patoot about a bunch of Frenchies and babuskas anyway?Mr. Cheney then opened the floor to questions, the first of which came from AHRH News reporter and Flintstones Alum Rock Stonely:
Mr. Cheney... Don't you think it's just a little hypocritical for the only country that has ever used nuclear weapons on an enemy to consider invading a poor, insignificant country because it is claimed that the latter has a store of "weapons of mass destruction™?"Mr. Cheney simply looked at Mr. Stonely for a moment, licked his lips, and began singing, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout..." Stonely claims that after getting over the initial shock caused by such an unforeseen outburst on Cheney's part, he decided to wait until the V.P.™ finished his song. Stonely finally followed the other reporters who were streaming out of the room in droves after Cheney had been singing the song repeatedly for about twenty minutes. Stonely claims that he could still hear Mr. Cheney's singing as the door closed behind him.
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Defense Department Unveils New Genetically Engineered Ninja Program
Secretary of "Defense" Rumsfeld released new information to the press today concerning Bush's plan to, in Rumsfeld's words, "fight fire with ninjas" (see the Hipster's post for 10-20-2002). Apparently, Our Leader™ was having trouble recruiting men that would have the kind of physical properties that he requires from his so-called "Brigade of Assassin Ninja Killers" (commonly abbreviated as B.A.N.K.).
In order to find the kinds of men who can meet the rigorous standard's of the newly created B.A.N.K., Our Leader™ ordered that government scientists begin work on a genetically engineered breed of ninja that would be able to handle the stresses that Our Leader™ has in store for them. Unable to find a suitable set of genetic material elsewhere, scientists have spliced the genes of Our Leader™ with those of, in Our Leader™'s words, "a billy goat." The president explained the decision, saying, "Daddy always said billy goats was the best ones 'cause they got hard heads. I mean, in Texas, we ain't got no room for no gophers."
It remains to be seen whether Our Leader™'s risky gambit will yield desirable results -- battle effectiveness of the new President/Billy Goat clones is as yet unproven. One has to admit that Our Leader™ was right about at least one thing, however: billy goats do indeed have hard heads.
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The Hipster was just looking at His web statistics and noticed that the AHRH™ has gotten five hits from visitors on US government connections (".gov" in resolved domain) . Apparently, Our Leader™ is watching Us. We have as of yet received no death threats from the C.I.A., but We'll keep Our ocular orbs™ peeled. The AHRH™ is doing its job!
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Bush Creates Elite Ninja Unit
Since the very beginnings of the corrupt™ "regime" of Saddam Hussein, American Tacticians have been struggling with the deeply troubling problem of how to deal with that tricky Iraqi Republican Guard. While greatly emaciated by the UN sanctions, "[the Republican Guard] is a highly trained unit of dedicated Freedom™ killers," according to American Badass™ Colin Powell. What, then, are we Americans™ to do when faced with a choice between world domination and ignominious annoyance?
It's a good thing that we have a brillliant man like George W. Bush at the steering wheel of the War Wagon. At a recent conference with Vice Brother Jeb Bush, Our Leader™ learned of what is perhaps the only tactical method known to man that can possibly compare to that of the Iraqi forces; apparently, Little Bush™ is a member of a growing society of assassination theorists called "ninjas".
President™ Bush unveiled his plans to the United Nations yesterday, saying that:
We can see that, too long in our society, some powers are in direct contradiction of our policy. Saddam Hussein is one of these fringed benefits. In therefore, we will react and persue insensualism. We will defend our right. Freedom will be abolished in utero, if I can help it (APPLAUSE). Americans have always known, with great contradiction, what eight centuries of Americans have known, with great insensualism, that every case of great free dictatorismship will not be misunintolerated, but instead will not be abolished. Free industry, that is... free wisdom, is something we... understand. You... you can't free the possum without a fight. Benjamin Jefferson said, "We hold these truths to be self relevant." There's freedom in that. All I'm saying is that we need immediate power to create a force of ultimate Ninja wisdom, to be designated under my new idea of Department of Ninja Wizardry. This will be a strong department. It will require big thoughts. We are prepared for this. But also, we need to be exemplified from war crimes. Thank you.
Simultaneously, the President unveiled his new weapons program. Pundits and spinsters have generally applauded the move.
The dawn of a new kind of geo-political thought is upon us. Let us embrace the Ninja™; not because we must, but because it's best for our American Freedom™. It is clear (thanks to Mr. Bush's succinct and clear presentation of the way that the new reality has required a new means of countering Iraqi attacks) that we can no longer depend on traditional means of conflict resolution. This is not a traditional conflict. Western ideals are at stake. Let's preserve those ideals by espousing Eastern means of enemy disposal. Ninjas are our only hope. Let's kill Hussein and install a government worthy of the "51st State" in Iraq. It's the only hope for rationalistic freedom-loving human beings who love to refine that sweet, sweet (yet paradoxically "crude") oil.
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Goat Flatulence In The News Again
The Hipster is a busy man. The amount of work that it takes to maintain a site like The Home is oftentimes simply too much for one man to bear. What, with the endless link maintenance, chart scouting and survey making, it's a wonder your Hipster manages to post at all. Such a situation is no doubt hardest for you, the loyal reader. You disconnect the phone, strip to your skivvies, sit down with your favorite beverage and log on to the Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home, hoping to find some gleaming nugget of truth (whether it be pyrite or no) in the vast Klondike that is the human experience. Often, you are disappointed to find that the Hipster has not recently posted. How very sad those moments must be for you. The Hipster hears your wails of pain and misery.
That is why, from time to timeTM, your Hipster brings you a story such as this one.
As many of you may already know, our fearless leader wants to bomb Iraq "really, really bad." There has been much debate as of late pertaining to this subject. There are some that say that Iraq poses no threat to the WestTM. There are others, like Bush, who disagree.
At the heart of Bush's argument lies the postulation that Iraq possesses "weapons of mass destruction." If Iraq did, in fact, possess such weaponry, Bush would be entirely justified in his desire to bomb Iraq. Any nation with any means whatsoever of defending itself must be wiped from the face of the Earth by the Holy Hand of the American military. Any dictatorial regime other than ours must be squashed; after all, regime change is what democracy is all about (ponder that one, why don't you). Up until now, however, there has been no proof that such weapons exist in Iraq. Up until now. AHRH NewsTM, long a staple player in the global chess game of politically consciencious journalism, has made a startling discovery that proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Saddam Hussein is a really, really, bad guy, and therefore, that millions of Iraqis deserve to die.
Remember when Iraq decided to let the WestTM inspect its weapons-making facilities just a few days ago? It has come to the attention of AHRH NewsTMcorrespondents that UN weapons inspectors have in fact been secretly conducting inspections in Iraq. What they have found may surprise you.
Apparently, those bastards in Iraq have been planning to gas the world with goat farts. Yes, you read that correctly. Hussein is planning to coat the western hemisphere with a thick blanket of barnyard odor. It's frightening, the Hipster knows. But get ahold of yourself. No, Really. If you become afraid, the Iraqis win.
Most disturbingly, the goats that will be used in such an attack were purchased from an AMERICAN goat salesman, a man who goes by the name of Poot.
Benedict Arnold would be very proud. To think that an American would try to help those who wish to defend themselves. Tsk Tsk.
And Iraq is no better. Don't they know We're the best? Stink bombing the world... Who ever heard of such a thing? Do they honestly believe that simply because they have no military and no money that they have the right to bombard Our olfactory nerves with noxious goatian ass-gasses?
That is the way that wars will be fought in the twenty-first century, many say. Pundits and analysts the world over are saying that We are fighting a war We cannot win. Such an argument does not ring true with many AmericansTM. In the words of Texas Poet Laureate Craig Tigerman, "I just think it's real stupid. I mean, hey, why can't them A-rabs just realize that Americans is just full of real smart guys who rules the world. We invented electricity, the sun, life itself, freedom, and corn. Why, they're just a bunch of savages who don't knows nuthin'!"
Well put, O Texan master-bard!
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The Hipster would like to apologize for the problems that have been plaguing the Home for the last few days. His image hosting has been on the fritz. Everything seems to be in order now, however, so you may once again enjoy AHRH content in its full glory.
Thank you for your patience,
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Banderas, Liu in This Year's Finest Film
Every once in a great while, a film comes along that reminds Us what it means to love. In the 80's, there was The Terminator. In the 90's, We were romanced (again) by Arnold SchwarzeneggerTM and Jamie "Lee" Curtis in True Lies. Now that We find Ourselves firmly inside the threshold at the doorway to the 00's, it would seem as if SchwarzeneggerTM is no longer the actor of choice for directors who wish to explore the tenderest places of the human heart. In Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, it is none other than Antonio Banderas who will remind Us what it means to be a human being in an increasingly complex world. Like Kindergarten Cop, Ecks vs. Sever is not a tumor.
While the Hipster is not necessarily known for His film reviews, He has been so moved by this film that He cannot refrain from sharing His opinion with His audience. Of course, the Hipster has not actually seen the film, but He has seen The Making of Ecks vs. Sever on HBO, which He feels is more than a sufficient amount of effort on His part, given the nature of today's post-911TM film environment.
The film is full of those unexpected little nuggets of filmic delight that lead Us all to seek refuge in the chambers of Our figurative hearts. For example, the Hipster was particularly impressed with the way in which the film's "director," KAOS (the Hipster is not sure whether KAOS is a man or a company), dealt with the motivations of his (its?) characters. Agent Eck (Banderas) wants only to avenge the loss of his family, who were killed in an explosion. Agent Sever (Liu), however, seeks to exact revenge upon those responsible for the deaths of her loved ones. These two characters clearly come from completely different worlds, which makes their budding romance just that much more poetic. When was the last time a male lead and a female lead in an action film found love amidst the adversity that comes along with being international spies? The answer, dear readers, is never. Ecks vs. Sever is wholly oiriginal.
As you probably already know, the Hipster does not ordinarily like to deal in wanton hyperbole. That is why you should take His word for it when He says that Ecks vs. Sever is perhaps one of the most heart-breakingly poignant love stories ever made. Period. You will go to a theater near you and see this film at once!
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the Hipster Hears From Todd Rock.
Remember Todd Rock? Do any of you, the Hipster's dear readers, feel any particular ringing of proverbial bells at the mention of this long-forgotten soul's name? Do any among you, like the Hipster, find yourself trudging down the woe-begotten path to yesteryear that you have diligently cut through the weeds of time, only to trip upon a root sticking out from the stump of the past?
Todd Rock (as those among you who who prescribe to the teachings of the Hipster should probably know) is that poor, sad, ladyless lad whose distraught visage first caught OurTM eye so many days ago. We were moved by his lonliness. We were touched by his plaintive call to thoughtful and classy ladies everywhere. We have forgotten his name; but we shall never forget his legacy. For it lives on in all of Our hearts, and those bastards can't take that away from us.
The following is the text of an email that the Hipster received from Todd Rock only hours ago, printed here in its entirety. Mr Rock writes:
RE: i want to help you
You are the first to answer in my time of need.
I appreciate greatly what you are tring to do for me.
As of yet your "hippites" have not yet answered your
trumpeting call,save one fellow who wanted to lead me
down the ol' hershy highway. Let's get one thing
clear, Todd Rock don't play that. I'm from the 80's,
not the 70's. Anyways, keep up the good work, and
hopefully one day, all the "hippites" and the Hipster
himself will be invited to the wedding,
Godspeed you mighty man!
The Hipster does not know quite what to make of this mysterious missive. Is He to believe that Todd Rock is thanking Him for a job well attempted? Is He to believe that Todd Rock is actually the creation of some irreverant prankster? Well, the Hipster simply does not know, and that is why He is sending the text of Today's EntryTM to email@example.com. He is also asking that all of you address your own queries to this same address, for We must clearly reaffirm Our dedication to non-hershey-highway-ism. Not that We have a problem with that kind of thing, but We have been wrongly accused. Todd Rock's meticulous observation of the Hipster's rhetorical patterns and mode of discourse is nothing short of keen. We must all band together in this troublesome time. Write to firstname.lastname@example.org today.
For more information on this subject, which is very close to the Hipster's heartTM, please see the post dated 6-17-02. Let's find out what Todd Rock, if that's his name, is all about.
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The Hipster Receives Subtle Threat From God's Spokesmen
Operation THANK YOU, DEMONBUSTER! is working. As you may (should) already know, the Hipster sent a friendly thank-you email to our friends Stan and Liz Madrak over at www.demonbuster.com, the text of which can be found in one of the Hipsters' posts from late last night. The Hipster received a response from our favorite demon removal specialists this morning, and was a bit disturbed at what He saw therein:
DELIVERANCE RE: Your webpage saved my life.
Greetings! I will thank you, but if you are making fun, stand by for heavy
rolls. God has a way of taking care of mockers.
JESUS IS THE DELIVERER
Stan and Elizabeth Madrak
to which the hipster replied:
DELIVERANCE RE: Your webpage saved my life.
Are you threatening me? How Christlike of you.
PS: could I get extra butter with those heavy rolls?
The Hipster was shocked. He had simply wanted to thank the Madraks for the excellent work they did in chasing the evil imps of Satan from His Retirement Home. What did He get in return for those thanks? A hearty "you're welcome?" A coupon for $5 off His next exorcism? No, dear friends. He got nothing less than THE IRE OF GOD! It has come to the Hipster's attention that not only are the Madraks very bad at web design (see www.demonbuster.com), not only are they shockingly illiterate and/or incoherent (see the phrase "stand by for heavy rolls," but they also are entirely lacking in common decency. When the Hipster thanks you, He had better be "welcomeTM"!
Again, the Hipster would like to encourage all of His readers to send loads of emails to those fucking ingrate Madraks. Please send copies of the text from your emails to email@example.com.
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