aging hipsters' retirement home
AHRHTM Announces Winner of 2002 "Wordsmith Extraordinaire" Award
The Hipster proudly presents His new "Wordsmith Extraordinaire" Award to none other than U.S. Secretary of DefenseTM Donald Rumsfeld. Long regarded as perhaps the premier "weaver of words," Rumsfeld has, with this prestigiousTM honor, now secured a place in the "public speaking" canon.
Rumsfeld won the Award thanks to the brilliant rhetorical and logical structure of some comments that he recently made regarding Al QaedaTM's operations in Pakistan. Rumsfeld said that "there are no knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns, that is to say there are things we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns, things we do not know we don't know" (source: Harper's Weekly Review for 6-18-2002).
The Hipster salutes Mr. Rumsfeld for his brilliant wordsmithery, and hereby bestows upon him the "Wordsmith Extraordinaire" Award, for ExcellenceTM in the field of promoting intelligent, coherent speech.
Way to go, Rumsy!
Added at_5:09:00 PM
"Crusade 2002: Unbreak Todd Rock's Heart" Needs Your Support!
The Hipster has received no word from Todd Rock as of yet, nor has he had any reponse from any of the AHRHTM's readers in regard to any emails that they (hopefully) have sent to email@example.com. The Hipster would like to remind you that this is a very important moment in the life of Todd Rock, and that a grass-roots movement like what the Hipster has proposed is probably the only way to "Unbreak Todd Rock's Heart." The Hipster would like to renew his commitment to the Crusade 2002 effort, and would also like to remind you that your emails to Todd Rock are important. Send the Hipster a copy of the text of your messages, and He will consider them for publication on the Home's web site!
The Hipster thanks you in advance for your efforts.
Added at_4:46:00 PM
A Call to Arms
Just look at this face. This is the face of a poor soul who has spent the better part of his life searching for that most quixotic of ideals: True LoveTM. Meet Todd Rock. Todd is a "rockin' dude" whose only wish is to be swept away by the charms of some (very lucky) young lady.
Dear readers, the Hipster was deeply moved and touched by Mr. Rock's plaintive call to the benevolence of the divine goddess Aphrodite. Your Hipster began to wonder what He could do for poor little Toddy. That's when He came up with a "brilliant ideaTM". Why not ask you, beloved readers, to band together... to work together in unison, united by a common goal? O readers, let's help this poor soul.
"But Hipster," you ask, "what can I, a simple hipster with a lowercase 'h', do to help?" The answer, my friends, is simple. The Hipster would like to announce His latest project: Crusade 2002: Unbreak Todd Rock's HeartTM. The Hipster would like to ask each and every one of you to search your souls. Do you know any "Far-Out Chicks" whose coordinates you might be able to pass on to Mr. Rock? Do you have any dating tips? Suggestions? Comments? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. This will be an email campaign like none that has ever come before. We will help Todd Rock find a "lovely lady" if it's the last thing We ever do, right hipsters?
NB: The above email address has been tested, and it is a real, working address. This is not a drill. We hipsters must band together in Todd Rock's time of need. There is no reason why a man like this, with so much going for him should have such a hard time "hooking up with the ladies." Look deep inside yourselves. It's the right thing to do. Email Todd Rock today.
The following is a facsimile of the email that the Hipster sent to Todd Rock just moments ago:
Dear Todd Rock:
This is the Hipster. The Hipster publishes a little website called The Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home (http://jarrodwhaley.blogspot.com). Perhaps you've heard of it.
Anyhoo, the Hipster came across your site a few days ago and became deeply intrigued by the pathos of your situation. You seem to be a "killer dude" who just wants "a little of that good lovin'". Being the philanthropist that He is, the Hipster thought that he might be able to help you in your quest for true love. The Hipster has informed His readers of your situation, and has asked them whether they too might be able to help you. You may be getting some emails from them. Do not be alarmed -- they only want to help.
With a little help and a lot of luck, We may be able to "hook you up" with that "fine betty" that you so richly deserve.
Added at_12:29:00 AM
New Alternative Search Engine Has The Big BoysTM Cringing
How many times have you searched for something on a "major" search engine like Yahoo! or Google, and actually found what you were looking for? While the Hipster obviously cannot speak for everyone, He is going to have to go ahead and admit that He has had some rather lackluster results with these two search engines in the past. Yahoo! is particularly weak; how is one supposed to find anything using a search engine that only displays 21 pages of results for the word "marmot?" And Google is no better: many users may be impressedTM with Google's claim of indexing over one billion websites, but the Hipster, dear friends, is not.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Hipster is very excited to announce the unveiling of a brand new search engine that will revolutionize the way you "surf"! BEHOLD YANEW!
The Hipster has tested the Yanew search engine, and He is very impressed with what He saw. Just one example: a search of the word "the" returned a 404 message in which "the" appeared eight times! Now those are results! Even more impressive is the infinitely clever name of the search engine. Yanew is like Yahoo!, only new. And listen to the way it just rolls off of the tongue... yanew.... yanew... yanew...
AHRH News tried on several occasions to contact officials at either Yahoo! or Google, but (not surprisingly) neither of the two search-engine giants has responded to Our emails at "press" time. The Hipster is not surprised. If He were in their shoes, he too would be cringing in fear of this terrible threat.
Added at_1:52:00 AM
The Hipster Receives Nasty Write-Up From Associated Press
The Hipster is very pissed. He is also very hurt and ashamed. Just look at what the Associated Press wrote about Him today. Poor, poor, Hipster.
Added at_12:03:00 AM
The Hipster Apprehends Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. in Uzbekistan
The Hipster's Report on His long absence, PART 2
Yesterday (earlier "today," that is), the Hipster told you of what transpired at the scene of the Beckles IncursionTM. Recap: the Military TM wanted to blow Beckles to smithereens, and the Hipster did not. Beckles escaped. The Hipster struck a deal with Colonel Dick Sticky.
But our story continues. The Hipster, seeing in the situation the possibility to get one hell of a scoop for AHRH NewsTM, accepted Col. Sticky's deal, and immediately began to track Beckles' meanderings. As "the Falcon" flitted from from one locale to the next, he left behind him the indelible trail of Beckle-osity. Though the Hipster had a good bit of trouble keeping up with the elusive Beckles, He was never very far behind. The trail led Him to such places as a pornographic comic shop, Universal Studios (where Beckles works as a VERY prolific screenwriter), and finally to Attourney GeneralTM John Ashcroft's summer home in Pinnewuktuk, Alaska, where Beckles had recently defeated Ashcroft at a very long and hard-fought game of Stratego.
The Hipster finally learned that Beckles had fled to Uzbekistan, where he was working on a dastardly plot to "rule" with Fellow Moron Alex Chiu. Upon His arrival in Uzbekistan, the Hipster was immediately able to find the hideout of His two favorite laughing-stocks, Beckles and Chiu. The two were hunkered down in an adobe hut whose exterior was decorated with thousands of pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, Spider-man, and unattractive half-naked "women." The Hipster gained entry to the hut via the front door, which was unlocked. Beckles and Chiu were sitting at a cheap laptop, cranking out ridiculous websites like this one. The Hipster was shocked to learn that Beckles and Chiu were in the process of trying to crash every server in the world by posting immense JPEG files (and in some cases, even BITMAPS!!! The HorrorTM!) to servers run by every known web hosting service.
O, the woes and throes that did make themselves felt unto the Hipster! He realized that the assassination of the two Bumbling Boobs TM was the only solution: He pulled out his tredemark Dillinger pistol and fired six rounds into the sternum of a much-befuddled Alex Chiu.
In the end, it was the Hipster who was befuddled; for the bullets that He had fired had absolutely no effect on Our "Mr." Chiu. From the throat of Dr. Chiu there came a wicked cackle (much like this one), and Chiu said to the Hipster: "You fool! Thanks to my fabulous invention I have everlasting gift called eternity of life! He then vanished before the Hipster's very eyes, cackling his chillingTM cackle.
The Hipster then took Beckles into His custody and returned to the StatesTM with His prey. But upon his return to Beckles' apartment building, the Hipster was mortified to learn that Col. Sticky had not honored his end of the bargain: he had razed the very ground upon which Beckles' humble home had once stood. Col. Sticky told the Hipster that said razing "had to be done", as "[Sticky's] MenTM [had gotten] bored." The Hipster said, "fuck it," took the remuneration that Sticky had offered Him, and left Beckles in U.S. GovernmentTM custody. He then immediately returned to AHRH NewsTM Headquarters and filed the present report.
There. Now you're up to speed. The Aging Hipster's Retirement HomeTM will now resume regular programming.
Added at_1:17:00 PM
The Hipster Apprehends Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. in Uzbekistan
The Hipster's Report on His long absence, PART 1
The Hipster did not desert you, He was in the desert. As you know, Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr., the web's most prodigious fruitcake, was beseiged by U.S. GovernmentTM forces on April 14th in the Year of Our Hipster, 2002. What you don't know is what happened next. The Hipster would like to apologize profusely for the fact that you, His loyal readers, have been left in the dark for so long, feverishly awaiting the latest news from the front lines of the Beckles ConflictTM. You will soon see that the Hipster was away on very important United StatesTM business.
When the Hipster heard about the seige at Beckles' apartment complex, He did what He felt He should do: He immediately informed His readership of the ConflictTM and made his way to the scene of the hostilities with the firm intent of reporting back to you as soon as possible.
But when the Hipster arrived at the scene, He instantly realized that the situation was much more serious than He had ever imagined. U.S. GovernmentTM officials had been trying to reason with the reclusive Beckles for hours, but with little success. The stalemate had been going on for seventeen hours, and all hope of a diplomatic solution seemed to be lost. Neither side seemed to want to compromise: Beckles refused to make more websites, and the U.S. MilitaryTM stood firmly entrenched in its position of insisting that he make as many websites as possible; doing so would greatly aid an ailing U.S. economy, weakened as of late by the relative lack of revenue generated by the pop-up ads on Beckles' many web pages.
Colonel Dick Sticky, weary of Beckles' ceaseless stream of unheeding rejoinders, was prepared to "blow the f**king Falcon out of his f**king nest." Ever the pacifist, the Hipster stepped in and prevented Col. Sticky from slaughtering the poor schizophrenic lug that you and the Hipster know as Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr.
At that very moment, Beckles managed to escape from his fortified "roost", screaming, "the Falcon flyeth away from thee." The Hipster was happy to see Beckles escape, but Colonel Sticky was not pleased. After all, the Colonel has no website to fill with mockery-laden invective.
In the end, the Hipster managed to work out a deal with the Colonel: He would track Beckles wherever he might go, and in return, the MilitaryTM promised that it would not only fund the project, but would also refrain from blowing anything up. Tomorrow (or later today depending upon how one looks at it), the Hipster will recount the story of his amazing trip across the Atlantic, into the blighted landscape of Uzbekistan, where he apprehended "the Falcon" and saved the U.S. EconomyTM, and in so doing, the American Way of LifeTM.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's exciting continuation!
Added at_1:27:00 AM
The Hipster Will Be Back Very Soon
Your Hipster, who has been away on an amazing assignment for AHRH NewsTm, will soon be returning with new posts. He would like to apologize for his long absence, and adds that the story he was working on during his "disappearance" will blow your socks off of your collective feet. It seems that the Hipster's readership has been growing in spite of the utter dearth of new content at the Home. For that he is thankful, and sends to you, his happy little cronies, his "warmest regards"TM.
Added at_1:52:00 AM