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aging hipsters' retirement home
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1.29.2002
Jeb Bush's Daughter? Or another alias of Osama bin Reid's?
The more that the AHRH News TeamTM discovers about the osama/reid/jesus christ/noelle bush story, the more the icy fingers of terror scrape away at the very tissues of our hearts. Is the PresidentTM's niece actually Osama Reid Christ in yet another disguise?
Incidentally, the AHRH News TeamTM will publish details about the link between Christ, our LordTM and Osama Bin Reid later tonight. Stay tuned for updates...
Added at_2:26:00 PM
1.28.2002
Aging Hipster Makes Shocking Discovery!
an AHRH News exclusive!
 Take a long, hard look at the chilling visage to your left. Do you recognize it? Well you should. Thanks to the wizardry of Adobe Photo Shop, the aging hipster has discovered a shocking secret concerning America's Greatest FoesTM. Do you remember those two numbskulls who tried to blow up the country (and with it, freedom and apple pie)? I am of course talking about the Devils IncarnateTM, Osama Bin Laden and Richard Reid (those bastards tried to blow up our pie!).
It all came about because of a remark that one of my friends made this afternoon. He said that he has a theory that Osama and Rick are one and the same. This, my dear readers, was of those things that made me go "hmmm." When I got off of the phone with my friend, I said "hmmm," and did so rather loudly. I then walked over to the computer and searched Google for photos of the two Dastardly VillainsTM. When superimposed, the two photos delivered no less than empirical proof of my friend's hypothesis: it had now become a FactTM.
Just look at the similarities: those eyes in particular. Why they're identical! Both men's eyes have irises and pupils. CoincidenceTM? I THINK NOT! The Aging Hipster News NetworkTM is now checking with sources in the Afghanistan and Washington Metropolitan Areas, hoping to unearth yet more chilling details on this story.
The Aging Hipster has also sold a share in the rights to this story to CNNTM for the princely sum of $7,000,000,000. They are planning to call the story America's New Face to Face Encouter With Death and All That is EvilTM.
Added at_8:16:00 PM
1.27.2002
Scary Supreme Court Justice Cult Trend Continues
Not to be outdone by his fellow Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, Justice Antonin Scalia has also decided to strike out on tour with a cheesy pop quintet this summer. He will take part, with teeny-boppers O-Town, in the Young, Lucious and Justice Tour, which is scheduled to begin sometime in early June. The decision was apparently made due to the encouragement of the CULT OF SCALIA, a creepy religious sect/fan club, sources intimated to me on Sunday.
I am deeply disturbed by this entire series of events. Apparently, our Supreme Court Justices are more interested in badly conceived song and dance numbers than they are in Truth and Justice.
Still more disturbing is the rising number of "fan clubs" (read: cults) in recent days. Keep your eyes and ears on this story, folks... I don't think we've heard the whole sordid story yet.
Added at_11:21:00 PM
1.25.2002
"Diaper" to Unveil Secrets Hidden Within
 What is the difference between an ear and a California roll?
I give up.
....
Sorry, No joke. The above is nothing more than a pitiful attempt to compensate for my inability to compose a good opening line. I'm sure there's a joke there somewhere... Ears hear, California Rolls are eaten. Both hearing and eating are bodily functions. Therefore... No, nevermind. You're probably wondering why I brought up an American food-type substance that somehow passes for sushi; also, you'd probably like to know what it has to do with ears. Well, my dear few, it's all in reference to a little project that was suggested to me by a friend of mine.
He asked me: "Are there enough electronically-oriented bands that are fronted by white guys who sing in Japanese?" Probably not. That's what my friend and I decided. So that's what we will create; and its name shall be called Diaper.
breaking news: while in the course of writing this post, I recieved a phone call from a friend of mine who is making a movie. He wants me to go to a hole-in-the-wall motel tomorrow night and play the role of the desk clerk in the flick. I get about two lines. I shall be fabulous in the role. See the movie. Ask for it by name. Sorry, don't know what it's called.
Added at_10:13:00 PM
1.24.2002
The Unheralded Art of Our TimesPART 2
Part of the appeal of the commercials that we discussed yesterday is their "everyman" quality. That is, unlike typical television programming, one can enjoy them without feeling utterly stupid (I found myself watching a show called Friends this afternoon. Anyone heard of it? I almost had an aneurysm trying to make heads or tails of the complicated plot and characters). There is a certain charm in a character like Tony Conza, a certain je ne sais quoi that just makes your average guy feel right at home. The commercials that I want to talk about today bridge the gap between "regular" TV shows and commercials, and in more ways than one. They require much more of their audience than say, a commercial like The Wolfgang Puck Bistrot Collection, but are at the same time very similar to the commercials that we know and love. There is a philosophical component in this third genre that may remind some viewers of certain theoretical positions taken by many 20th century literary critics, film scholars, etc.
 This third genre of commercials is often described as treating the art of commercial making itself. This idea is what one evokes in mentioning the so-called "self-referential" or meta-commercial. Take for example the photo that you see immediately to your left. We have all seen these "promo spots" (as the Network Executives in charge of "normal TV programming" so euphamistically call them). At first glance, these "spots" seem to advertise the very television shows against which the medium of TV commercials seeks to rebel. This is not an unintended irony. The directors of these "spots" seek to challenge their audiences... The viewer must question the way in which he interprets works of Commerciality (a technical term referring to the art of commercial making).
These "promo spots" attempt to comment upon their own validity as works of art, and by extension, upon the validity of all commercials. What do they "advertise"? Regularly Scheduled Programming (or RSP) of course. Why does one watch RSP? For the commercials! By calling attention to this seeming paradox, the metacommercials call all of commerciality into question.
Metacommercials are not for everyone; they are often seen as little better than the RSP to which they seek to respond. Many are happy with good old Tony, Yeti, and Fatty. To each his own, I say. Everyone should have his or her own giant sandwich. In any case, it is clear that TV commercials are becoming more and more, with each passing day, the unheralded art of our times.
Added at_12:40:00 AM
1.23.2002
FUNNY!
Be careful. This site was sent to me by my friend at the Pentagon. Apparently, the government was planning to use it against the Afghanis. I myself, upon having viewed it, instantly suffered from a ruptured spleen. From laughing so hard.
BE CAREFUL! Here it is:
}-{ello my future girlfriend
Added at_11:04:00 PM
Ridiculous!
Just a ridiculously stupid site that I found in my travels. Clarence Thomas is a hero for the young generation, and it is only fitting that he too should have a fan site. Hopefully, the webmaster of this dandy little page will soon conduct an e-bay auction of the stank-draws Justice Thomas was wearing during his infamous confirmation hearings. Isn't Justice Thomas dreamy?
I hear he's touring with N'Sync this summer!
The Justice Clarence Thomas Appreciation Page
Added at_1:02:00 AM
1.22.2002
The Unheralded Art of Our TimesPART 1
After a long day in the trenches, I like to come home and sit down to a little televised inanity. Unfortunately, much of the content on television today just isn't made for my demographic. Put yourself in my shoes: you've just spent much of your day listening to some stuffy PhD-type drone on about the philosophical underpinnings of the Enlightenment and their influence on French Literature. The rest of your day was probably spent performing that most dreaded of activities -- thinking. When you get home, you just want to forget it all. You want to open a beer, watch a little tube, and then jump in the tub, where someone who goes by the name of Calgon is scheduled to "take you away." The problem: you are horrified to see, upon turning on the television, that all of the "shows" that you see are too... well, let's say cerebro-centric. There are too many sitcoms with their difficult-to-follow plots and surprise endings (not to mention all that sexual tension - Christ, who has time for it?). There are too many of those game shows with their impossible-to-answer questions (i.e.: Which of the following is NOT an odd number?). The list of brain-benders goes on and on. That's why I'm thankful that we have such entertaining commercials to watch.
Now don't listen to these pseudo-activist bleeding hearts that try to tell you that commercials are evil. You know who I'm talking about - the ones who try to say that TV commercials "brainwash" us into buying things, that the four remaining corporations are demonic entities that will stop at nothing to get our money, etc. I think we all know what commercials are really about: good ol' fashioned entertainment. Some commercials are just friggin' HI-larious. Others are dramatic masterpieces. Then there are those "deep" commercials that deal with the artform itself (we'll get to those tomorrow). Let's have a look, shall we?
 Among my favorites are those keen Blimpies commercials. Tony Conza is our generation's Shecky Green! What could be funnier than an Italian guy... WITH A SANDWICH! It almost makes me pee in my pants just thinking about it. The commercial pictured here is a soon-to-be classic. Note the over-sized sandwich! HaHaHa! And look, it's Tony! That rascal.
 In the next photo, we see Tony's new tall-guy friend, and we are told that his name is Yeti Saskatchewan. He's so tall! And there's still that huge sandwich! This is the kind of wit you just can't get on "regular" TV.
 Look at this next ad: it's for something called the "Wolfgang Puck Bistrot Collection." This commercial is the best example of drama that I have seen in a long while. Look at the tension in the piece. Any minute now, Fatty's expanding belly is going cause that bubble wrap to blow, and POOF!, no more eastern seaboard. I for one am particularly impressed with the way the director deals with pathos. And the acting! Look at this guy's face! I think I smell a Clio Award.
That's enough for today. Come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of our look at those entertaining commercials. There will also be rants and raves on other topics, no doubt, so don't miss it!
Added at_8:45:00 PM
1.21.2002
Wasted Day Brings About Throwaway Content
 Sorry folks, your favorite retired hipster just doesn't have anything particularly amazing to say today. It was one of those days where we here at the home just decided not to go out at all. Playoff Football often has that effect on us. Since it was such a slow day, I decided to use this opportunity to do a little write-up on a site that I am pretty fond of. Eine Bushaltestelle is a musical experiment conducted by my computer. The dang thing has a mind of its own. I know, you're probably saying to yourself that computers just aren't that smart. Well mine is. It uses something called "FM synthesis" to create waveforms, which it then tweaks and produces music. The whole thing seems pretty weird to me, but hey, who can get into the mind of a computer? Do check it out, though. I'm pretty fond of what "Big Red" (as my computer calls itself) has managed to accomplish. Here's a song.
UPDATE: Still no word from the police about the sicko who invaded my stairway yesterday. Probably because no one called them. They're probably incahoots with the perp anyway. I am still quite baffled over the whole thing. What was this person trying to do? The more I think about it, the more I begin to suspect that this little coup d'escalier was conducted only to make my head hurt. Then there's always the marauding French pimp theory.
More later...
Added at_1:08:00 AM
1.19.2002
The Crime of the Century
 Once every hundred years or so, some industrious criminal perpetrates an act against society that is so heinous, so deviously clever, so well planned that a nation's eyes turn to the scene of the crime. Law Enforcement personnel are baffled. District Attourneys are incapable of putting together a coherent case. Witnesses to the crime are afraid for their lives, and will not step forward. What kind of evil, criminal mind is capable of divising such flawless schemes? Dear readers, it pains me greatly to say to you that such an act has been committed in my own back yard. Rather, in my stairwell.
Imagine my shock and horror when, returning from the Quik-E-Mart this afternoon, I discovered that one of the windows in the stairway of my building had been shattered. Not only broken, but shattered. If nothing else, you must admit, the semantic force of the word "shattered" is deeply troubling. Since the crime effected me personally, I decided to take it upon myself to conduct my own investigation. I donned my deerstalker hat, lit my pipe and got ready to dispense a little vigilante justice. First, I would have to examine the scene of the crime. I was instantly baffled to discover that there was no broken glass on the landing! How could this be! It was then that I looked outside. Sure enough, there was a heap o' glass in the alleyway. I reasoned that since the glass was outside of the building, the criminal would have to have done the deed from inside the building! This was what those in the detectivin' profession might call an inside job. What possible motive could the perpetrator have had? This was certainly no run-of-the-mill breaking and entering; this was something bigger.
I ran back to my apartment, locked and bolted the door, and hid under my blankie. It was truly a frightening situation. I cried for hours. I asked the heavens how such a thing could have happened. And to ME! My only hope is that the police can somehow find some clue, some sort of lead that will help them solve the case. I can only pray that they will succeed in putting that sicko behind the proverbial bars. POLICE: do your worst. Crack some skulls. In return, I promise that I will never again play the gumshoe.
Added at_8:22:00 PM
Go Spelunking
This guy's a wizard. He deftly works his magic from the frozen turf of the north. Funnier than Vic Tayback in a dramatic role.
LILEKS (James)
Added at_1:03:00 AM
1.18.2002
The concept of an "uber-edifice" seems pretty appealing to me.
I was walking home from work with a friend of mine today and we noticed that the new engineering building at UTC seems to be sized on a ridiculously hyperbolic scale. While this observation may not seem interesting in and of itself, it made us wonder why buildings aren't bigger than they are. My friend, who (irrelevantly enough) is called Ezra, commented that the University seems to be working toward what he called an "uber-edifice." All of the buildings on campus are growing closer together. While this is probably bad for claustrophobics, the idea of a University being housed in one huge building could potentially give rise to some very interesting situations. Since the UT system is constantly complaining about its fiscal deficit (and yet paradoxically finding the money to construct uber-edifices), maybe all of the extra space could be put to good use. University officials could replace all of those pesky classrooms and labs with retail outlets. After all, what's more American than the shopping mall? Education is over-rated anyway - let's just reconfigure the system a little bit. Instead of those stupid Philosophy and Literature classes, let's learn about the history of shoe sales!
All kidding aside, I have to say that the idea of huge buildings that encompass entire cities is pretty interesting. If I get my way, someday, when I walk out of my front door, I'll step into the corridor of a megabuilding. Think of it! No more worries about that stupid weather we seem to have around here: it's always raining or else the sun is shining... I just wish it would be consistent. Make up your mind, sky! But with uber-edifices, all of that would change. The umbrella would become a historical curiosity. Cars would no longer need wipers. Or headlights! Let's be honest, that whole night vs. day thing is a bitch. Also, without weather patterns, we could get rid of all those ugly plants that block our view! And that whole global warming predicament? Forget about it! Let's all step inside!
I think my friend and I are on to something. You may laugh at us and say we're crazy, but this idea of huge concrete structures that swallow the earth in the toothless maw of progress is nothing less than visionary... We may have saved the human race today.
Added at_7:52:00 PM
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