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aging hipsters' retirement home
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11.22.2002
Busted!
 Government officials™ told the press on Thursday that Abd al Rahim al Nashiri, whom they believe to be the "Grand Master" of al Qaeda, has been in their custody for over a month now. Al Qaeda is of course the dastardly bunch that tried to steal Our Sweet American Apple Pie™ (see the Hipster's post for 1.28.2002). Officials, who have been hounding al Qaeda ever since The Great Pie Heist™ of last year, are calling the capture of al Nashiri a great victory in The War on Terrorism™ (more colloquially known as Operation Kick-Ass). Abd al Rahim al Nashiri has been on "President" Bush's top-secret S.H.I.T. list for months. Law Enforcement™ officials have been searching for him since January, often confounded by his wily, fox-like hiding abilities.Finding him turned out to be a much simpler proposition than anyone had ever imagined. In an exclusive interview with AHRH News™, Mr. Bush spoke of just how simple:Yeah, we was real glad to find him. We had been looking all over that there desert over there in Europe, 'cause that's where them ragheads like to hang out. It's part of their... culture. I don't know, I guess they like worshipping cactuses or something. Anyways, I was in my Ovum Office the other day playing Nintendo, and Uncle Cheney called me on my Garfield phone. It's a real cool phone, the eyes just open up real big when you take the part you talk into off the hook. I think daddy got it at Service Merchandise. Anyways, uncle Cheney said they got that Abdomen Raheem Al Sushi guy over at the Federal Jail. I says to him, I says, "hey uncle Dick, that's great." He said, "Yes, Georgie, yes it is." Then he told me they found him working in a convenience store in Alexandria, Virginia. The Hipster then asked Our Leader™ how he could be sure that we have arrested the right man, to which the "President" replied:Well, it's just got to be him. I mean he's got real dark skin and he wears a rag on his head. I mean unless he's just some Mexican guy who's trying to dry his hair. I kind of doubt that, though. Mr. Bush then described his new plan aimed at capturing and lynching as many "al Qaeda operatives" as possible:Yeah, we learned a lot from this one. That whole finding him in a convenience store thing is probably the best thing that ever happened to us. That's another one in the "Win" column for U.S. Intelligence. (The Hipster doubts that Mr. Bush managed to see the many levels of ironic "entendre" in this last statement.)We're going to use that intelligence. We'll be looking for Al Keeters (sic) in convenience stores, motels, and falafel stands from here on out. That's where they hide, you see. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this 'cause it's kind of a secret, but we found another Al Keeter just yesterday. He was working at a carpet mill in Dalton, Georgia. Some of the other guys tried to tell me he was just a Mexican, but he was an Al Keeter if I ever saw one. I know he was 'cause he was speaking some weird language that didn't sound like American.Mr. Bush then looked into the Hipster's tape recorder, apparently thinking it was a camera, and said:We will not rest until we have rounded up all of you Al Keeters. You may think you can hide, but you can't run... I mean you can hide, but you can't run in circles again. We will not rest until we've rounded up all the swarthies. Next stop, Iraq. After that, I think we're going to start a war in Palestinia, but I need to talk to uncle Cheney about that. Thank you. The president then straightened his tie, shook the Hipster's hand, and walked into the closet. It would seem that he thought that it was the exit. The Hipster and His associates waited for over five minutes before Bush finally realized that he was in the closet and came out, at which point he said, "Just looking for my coat."
Added at_3:21:00 PM
10.27.2002
V.P. Cheney Confounds Reporters With Stirring Rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot"
 While fielding reporters' questions at a recent White House "Press" Conference™, United States™ Vice President Dick Cheney flabbergasted all present by unexpectedly bursting into his interpretation of the classic children's song. Cheney began the conference with a brief statement addressing the U.S.™'s current difficulty in convincing France and Russia to give their blessing to Operation Blow Up Baghdad™:The United States will do everything in its power to convince the Frogs and the Russkies to get their act together and support the effort to invade Iraq. If they won't get on board, well then... We'll just have to go around them. In fact, I propose that we just drop a couple hundred nucular (sic)weapons on that whole Europe/Asia thing over there and kill all those birds with one rock. I mean, who gives a horse's patoot about a bunch of Frenchies and babuskas anyway? Mr. Cheney then opened the floor to questions, the first of which came from AHRH News reporter and Flintstones Alum Rock Stonely: Mr. Cheney... Don't you think it's just a little hypocritical for the only country that has ever used nuclear weapons on an enemy to consider invading a poor, insignificant country because it is claimed that the latter has a store of "weapons of mass destruction™?" Mr. Cheney simply looked at Mr. Stonely for a moment, licked his lips, and began singing, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout..." Stonely claims that after getting over the initial shock caused by such an unforeseen outburst on Cheney's part, he decided to wait until the V.P.™ finished his song. Stonely finally followed the other reporters who were streaming out of the room in droves after Cheney had been singing the song repeatedly for about twenty minutes. Stonely claims that he could still hear Mr. Cheney's singing as the door closed behind him.
Added at_8:24:00 PM
10.22.2002
Defense Department Unveils New Genetically Engineered Ninja Program
 Secretary of "Defense" Rumsfeld released new information to the press today concerning Bush's plan to, in Rumsfeld's words, "fight fire with ninjas" (see the Hipster's post for 10-20-2002). Apparently, Our Leader™ was having trouble recruiting men that would have the kind of physical properties that he requires from his so-called "Brigade of Assassin Ninja Killers" (commonly abbreviated as B.A.N.K.). In order to find the kinds of men who can meet the rigorous standard's of the newly created B.A.N.K., Our Leader™ ordered that government scientists begin work on a genetically engineered breed of ninja that would be able to handle the stresses that Our Leader™ has in store for them. Unable to find a suitable set of genetic material elsewhere, scientists have spliced the genes of Our Leader™ with those of, in Our Leader™'s words, "a billy goat." The president explained the decision, saying, "Daddy always said billy goats was the best ones 'cause they got hard heads. I mean, in Texas, we ain't got no room for no gophers." It remains to be seen whether Our Leader™'s risky gambit will yield desirable results -- battle effectiveness of the new President/Billy Goat clones is as yet unproven. One has to admit that Our Leader™ was right about at least one thing, however: billy goats do indeed have hard heads.
Added at_11:12:00 AM
10.20.2002
The Hipster was just looking at His web statistics and noticed that the AHRH™ has gotten five hits from visitors on US government connections (".gov" in resolved domain) . Apparently, Our Leader™ is watching Us. We have as of yet received no death threats from the C.I.A., but We'll keep Our ocular orbs™ peeled. The AHRH™ is doing its job!
Added at_5:10:00 PM
Bush Creates Elite Ninja Unit
 Since the very beginnings of the corrupt™ "regime" of Saddam Hussein, American Tacticians have been struggling with the deeply troubling problem of how to deal with that tricky Iraqi Republican Guard. While greatly emaciated by the UN sanctions, "[the Republican Guard] is a highly trained unit of dedicated Freedom™ killers," according to American Badass™ Colin Powell. What, then, are we Americans™ to do when faced with a choice between world domination and ignominious annoyance? It's a good thing that we have a brillliant man like George W. Bush at the steering wheel of the War Wagon. At a recent conference with Vice Brother Jeb Bush, Our Leader™ learned of what is perhaps the only tactical method known to man that can possibly compare to that of the Iraqi forces; apparently, Little Bush™ is a member of a growing society of assassination theorists called "ninjas". President™ Bush unveiled his plans to the United Nations yesterday, saying that: We can see that, too long in our society, some powers are in direct contradiction of our policy. Saddam Hussein is one of these fringed benefits. In therefore, we will react and persue insensualism. We will defend our right. Freedom will be abolished in utero, if I can help it (APPLAUSE). Americans have always known, with great contradiction, what eight centuries of Americans have known, with great insensualism, that every case of great free dictatorismship will not be misunintolerated, but instead will not be abolished. Free industry, that is... free wisdom, is something we... understand. You... you can't free the possum without a fight. Benjamin Jefferson said, "We hold these truths to be self relevant." There's freedom in that. All I'm saying is that we need immediate power to create a force of ultimate Ninja wisdom, to be designated under my new idea of Department of Ninja Wizardry. This will be a strong department. It will require big thoughts. We are prepared for this. But also, we need to be exemplified from war crimes. Thank you. Simultaneously, the President unveiled his new weapons program. Pundits and spinsters have generally applauded the move. The dawn of a new kind of geo-political thought is upon us. Let us embrace the Ninja™; not because we must, but because it's best for our American Freedom™. It is clear (thanks to Mr. Bush's succinct and clear presentation of the way that the new reality has required a new means of countering Iraqi attacks) that we can no longer depend on traditional means of conflict resolution. This is not a traditional conflict. Western ideals are at stake. Let's preserve those ideals by espousing Eastern means of enemy disposal. Ninjas are our only hope. Let's kill Hussein and install a government worthy of the "51st State" in Iraq. It's the only hope for rationalistic freedom-loving human beings who love to refine that sweet, sweet (yet paradoxically "crude") oil.
Added at_3:31:00 AM
9.27.2002
Goat Flatulence In The News Again
 The Hipster is a busy man. The amount of work that it takes to maintain a site like The Home is oftentimes simply too much for one man to bear. What, with the endless link maintenance, chart scouting and survey making, it's a wonder your Hipster manages to post at all. Such a situation is no doubt hardest for you, the loyal reader. You disconnect the phone, strip to your skivvies, sit down with your favorite beverage and log on to the Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home, hoping to find some gleaming nugget of truth (whether it be pyrite or no) in the vast Klondike that is the human experience. Often, you are disappointed to find that the Hipster has not recently posted. How very sad those moments must be for you. The Hipster hears your wails of pain and misery.
That is why, from time to timeTM, your Hipster brings you a story such as this one.
As many of you may already know, our fearless leader wants to bomb Iraq "really, really bad." There has been much debate as of late pertaining to this subject. There are some that say that Iraq poses no threat to the WestTM. There are others, like Bush, who disagree.
At the heart of Bush's argument lies the postulation that Iraq possesses "weapons of mass destruction." If Iraq did, in fact, possess such weaponry, Bush would be entirely justified in his desire to bomb Iraq. Any nation with any means whatsoever of defending itself must be wiped from the face of the Earth by the Holy Hand of the American military. Any dictatorial regime other than ours must be squashed; after all, regime change is what democracy is all about (ponder that one, why don't you). Up until now, however, there has been no proof that such weapons exist in Iraq. Up until now. AHRH NewsTM, long a staple player in the global chess game of politically consciencious journalism, has made a startling discovery that proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Saddam Hussein is a really, really, bad guy, and therefore, that millions of Iraqis deserve to die.
Remember when Iraq decided to let the WestTM inspect its weapons-making facilities just a few days ago? It has come to the attention of AHRH NewsTMcorrespondents that UN weapons inspectors have in fact been secretly conducting inspections in Iraq. What they have found may surprise you.
Apparently, those bastards in Iraq have been planning to gas the world with goat farts. Yes, you read that correctly. Hussein is planning to coat the western hemisphere with a thick blanket of barnyard odor. It's frightening, the Hipster knows. But get ahold of yourself. No, Really. If you become afraid, the Iraqis win.
Most disturbingly, the goats that will be used in such an attack were purchased from an AMERICAN goat salesman, a man who goes by the name of Poot.
Benedict Arnold would be very proud. To think that an American would try to help those who wish to defend themselves. Tsk Tsk.
And Iraq is no better. Don't they know We're the best? Stink bombing the world... Who ever heard of such a thing? Do they honestly believe that simply because they have no military and no money that they have the right to bombard Our olfactory nerves with noxious goatian ass-gasses?
That is the way that wars will be fought in the twenty-first century, many say. Pundits and analysts the world over are saying that We are fighting a war We cannot win. Such an argument does not ring true with many AmericansTM. In the words of Texas Poet Laureate Craig Tigerman, "I just think it's real stupid. I mean, hey, why can't them A-rabs just realize that Americans is just full of real smart guys who rules the world. We invented electricity, the sun, life itself, freedom, and corn. Why, they're just a bunch of savages who don't knows nuthin'!"
Well put, O Texan master-bard!
Added at_3:43:00 AM
9.22.2002
The Hipster would like to apologize for the problems that have been plaguing the Home for the last few days. His image hosting has been on the fritz. Everything seems to be in order now, however, so you may once again enjoy AHRH content in its full glory.
Thank you for your patience,
Added at_2:17:00 PM
9.16.2002
Banderas, Liu in This Year's Finest Film
 Every once in a great while, a film comes along that reminds Us what it means to love. In the 80's, there was The Terminator. In the 90's, We were romanced (again) by Arnold SchwarzeneggerTM and Jamie "Lee" Curtis in True Lies. Now that We find Ourselves firmly inside the threshold at the doorway to the 00's, it would seem as if SchwarzeneggerTM is no longer the actor of choice for directors who wish to explore the tenderest places of the human heart. In Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, it is none other than Antonio Banderas who will remind Us what it means to be a human being in an increasingly complex world. Like Kindergarten Cop, Ecks vs. Sever is not a tumor.
While the Hipster is not necessarily known for His film reviews, He has been so moved by this film that He cannot refrain from sharing His opinion with His audience. Of course, the Hipster has not actually seen the film, but He has seen The Making of Ecks vs. Sever on HBO, which He feels is more than a sufficient amount of effort on His part, given the nature of today's post-911TM film environment.
The film is full of those unexpected little nuggets of filmic delight that lead Us all to seek refuge in the chambers of Our figurative hearts. For example, the Hipster was particularly impressed with the way in which the film's "director," KAOS (the Hipster is not sure whether KAOS is a man or a company), dealt with the motivations of his (its?) characters. Agent Eck (Banderas) wants only to avenge the loss of his family, who were killed in an explosion. Agent Sever (Liu), however, seeks to exact revenge upon those responsible for the deaths of her loved ones. These two characters clearly come from completely different worlds, which makes their budding romance just that much more poetic. When was the last time a male lead and a female lead in an action film found love amidst the adversity that comes along with being international spies? The answer, dear readers, is never. Ecks vs. Sever is wholly oiriginal.
As you probably already know, the Hipster does not ordinarily like to deal in wanton hyperbole. That is why you should take His word for it when He says that Ecks vs. Sever is perhaps one of the most heart-breakingly poignant love stories ever made. Period. You will go to a theater near you and see this film at once!
Added at_11:34:00 PM
9.15.2002
the Hipster Hears From Todd Rock.
 Remember Todd Rock? Do any of you, the Hipster's dear readers, feel any particular ringing of proverbial bells at the mention of this long-forgotten soul's name? Do any among you, like the Hipster, find yourself trudging down the woe-begotten path to yesteryear that you have diligently cut through the weeds of time, only to trip upon a root sticking out from the stump of the past?
Todd Rock (as those among you who who prescribe to the teachings of the Hipster should probably know) is that poor, sad, ladyless lad whose distraught visage first caught OurTM eye so many days ago. We were moved by his lonliness. We were touched by his plaintive call to thoughtful and classy ladies everywhere. We have forgotten his name; but we shall never forget his legacy. For it lives on in all of Our hearts, and those bastards can't take that away from us.
The following is the text of an email that the Hipster received from Todd Rock only hours ago, printed here in its entirety. Mr Rock writes:
TO: jaimetoutfr@yahoo.fr
FROM: toddrock69@yhaoo.com
RE: i want to help you
You are the first to answer in my time of need.
I appreciate greatly what you are tring to do for me.
As of yet your "hippites" have not yet answered your
trumpeting call,save one fellow who wanted to lead me
down the ol' hershy highway. Let's get one thing
clear, Todd Rock don't play that. I'm from the 80's,
not the 70's. Anyways, keep up the good work, and
hopefully one day, all the "hippites" and the Hipster
himself will be invited to the wedding,
Godspeed you mighty man!
Todd"Man o'steel"Rock
The Hipster does not know quite what to make of this mysterious missive. Is He to believe that Todd Rock is thanking Him for a job well attempted? Is He to believe that Todd Rock is actually the creation of some irreverant prankster? Well, the Hipster simply does not know, and that is why He is sending the text of Today's EntryTM to toddrock69@yahoo.com. He is also asking that all of you address your own queries to this same address, for We must clearly reaffirm Our dedication to non-hershey-highway-ism. Not that We have a problem with that kind of thing, but We have been wrongly accused. Todd Rock's meticulous observation of the Hipster's rhetorical patterns and mode of discourse is nothing short of keen. We must all band together in this troublesome time. Write to toddrock69@yahoo.com today.
For more information on this subject, which is very close to the Hipster's heartTM, please see the post dated 6-17-02. Let's find out what Todd Rock, if that's his name, is all about.
Added at_3:52:00 AM
9.12.2002
The Hipster Receives Subtle Threat From God's Spokesmen
 Operation THANK YOU, DEMONBUSTER! is working. As you may (should) already know, the Hipster sent a friendly thank-you email to our friends Stan and Liz Madrak over at www.demonbuster.com, the text of which can be found in one of the Hipsters' posts from late last night. The Hipster received a response from our favorite demon removal specialists this morning, and was a bit disturbed at what He saw therein:
TO: jaimetoutfr@yahoo.fr
FROM: BloodOfJesus@demonbuster.com
DELIVERANCE RE: Your webpage saved my life.
Greetings! I will thank you, but if you are making fun, stand by for heavy
rolls. God has a way of taking care of mockers.
JESUS IS THE DELIVERER
http://www.demonbuster.com
Stan and Elizabeth Madrak
Deliverance Ministers
to which the hipster replied:
TO: BloodOfJesus@demonbuster.com
FROM: jaimetoutfr@yahoo.fr
DELIVERANCE RE: Your webpage saved my life.
Are you threatening me? How Christlike of you.
the Hipster.
PS: could I get extra butter with those heavy rolls?
The Hipster was shocked. He had simply wanted to thank the Madraks for the excellent work they did in chasing the evil imps of Satan from His Retirement Home. What did He get in return for those thanks? A hearty "you're welcome?" A coupon for $5 off His next exorcism? No, dear friends. He got nothing less than THE IRE OF GOD! It has come to the Hipster's attention that not only are the Madraks very bad at web design (see www.demonbuster.com), not only are they shockingly illiterate and/or incoherent (see the phrase "stand by for heavy rolls," but they also are entirely lacking in common decency. When the Hipster thanks you, He had better be "welcomeTM"!
Again, the Hipster would like to encourage all of His readers to send loads of emails to those fucking ingrate Madraks. Please send copies of the text from your emails to jaimetoutfr@yahoo.fr.
Added at_2:28:00 PM
goddamn, this site kept the Hipster entertained for hours.
Added at_1:27:00 AM
DEMONBUSTER! Follow-Up
The following text was sent from the HipsterTM's desk to the kind folks at www.demonbuster.com just moments ago. The Hipster would like to encourage all of His readers to do likewise. It's all part of Operation THANK YOU, DEMONBUSTER!. Please contact Stan and Liz Madrak at BloodOfJesus@demonbuster.com.
TO: BloodOfJesus@demonbuster.com
FROM: jaimetoutfr@yahoo.fr
RE: Your webpage saved my life.
I want to thank you. You have permanently removed those fitful demon bastards from the abysmal nether regions of my now-reborn soul. Scarcely three days have passed since you bound them in shackles of love, and already I feel as if a huge, (demonic) burden has been lifted away from my figurative back. DEMONBUSTER! is the best product on the market today. O, sire and madam Madrak, I want to thank you.
sincerely,
Added at_1:11:00 AM
Get Thee Out, Devil Spawn!
 Are you posessed by a malevolant entity, but you just can't seem to fit the high cost that goes with a quality exorcism into your budget? Well look no further. Stan and Elizabeth Madrak at www.demonbuster.com have recently unveiled a new demon removal service that promises to revolutionize the industry. According to the Madraks, DEMONBUSTER! services, LLC. provides top-notch demon-chasing services, and at rock bottom prices!
Each quality DEMONBUSTER! exorcism comes complete with a 30 day Money Back GuaranteeTM on all parts and labor, a subscription to the DEMONBUSTER! Newsletter, a certificate proclaiming the exorcised party to be 100% "demon free", a high quality DEMONBUSTER! coffe mug, and six DEMONBUSTER! balloons for the kids.
Just listen to these testimonials:
My demon was really gettin' on my damn nerves. Every time I would lay my pencil down, that dang 'ol demon would knock it off'n my desk! And what's more, ever time I went to take a poopie, and started in to wipin' my dang ass, 'at 'ol demon would make me drop the toilet paper and wipe my crack with my own fingers! But thanks to DEMONBUSTER!, I am now 100% Demon Free! Halleluia! Thank you, DEMONBUSTER!
-- Ned Frankel, Arlington TX
Demons are such a drag. But DEMONBUSTER got rid of my demon quickly and painlessly. DEMONBUSTER! saved the day.
-- Imogene Stewart, Long Island NY
Tried the best? Now try the rest!
-- Gene Simmons, Hollywood CA
Clearly, DEMONBUSTER! is already the demon removal service of choice for the income-challengedTM American.
SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER! For a Limited Time, buy one DEMONBUSTER! exorcism at Regular Price and get your second exorcism ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE! Just be sure and tell the nice folks at DEMONBUSTER! that the Hipster sent you!
DEMONBUSTER! is a licensed and fully accredited demon removal service.
Added at_1:03:00 AM
9.06.2002
the hipster will be back soon.
Added at_4:59:00 AM
the hipster lives
Added at_4:56:00 AM
6.19.2002
AHRHTM Announces Winner of 2002 "Wordsmith Extraordinaire" Award
 The Hipster proudly presents His new "Wordsmith Extraordinaire" Award to none other than U.S. Secretary of DefenseTM Donald Rumsfeld. Long regarded as perhaps the premier "weaver of words," Rumsfeld has, with this prestigiousTM honor, now secured a place in the "public speaking" canon.
Rumsfeld won the Award thanks to the brilliant rhetorical and logical structure of some comments that he recently made regarding Al QaedaTM's operations in Pakistan. Rumsfeld said that "there are no knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns, that is to say there are things we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns, things we do not know we don't know" (source: Harper's Weekly Review for 6-18-2002).
The Hipster salutes Mr. Rumsfeld for his brilliant wordsmithery, and hereby bestows upon him the "Wordsmith Extraordinaire" Award, for ExcellenceTM in the field of promoting intelligent, coherent speech.
Way to go, Rumsy!
Added at_5:09:00 PM
"Crusade 2002: Unbreak Todd Rock's Heart" Needs Your Support!
The Hipster has received no word from Todd Rock as of yet, nor has he had any reponse from any of the AHRHTM's readers in regard to any emails that they (hopefully) have sent to toddrock69@yahoo.com. The Hipster would like to remind you that this is a very important moment in the life of Todd Rock, and that a grass-roots movement like what the Hipster has proposed is probably the only way to "Unbreak Todd Rock's Heart." The Hipster would like to renew his commitment to the Crusade 2002 effort, and would also like to remind you that your emails to Todd Rock are important. Send the Hipster a copy of the text of your messages, and He will consider them for publication on the Home's web site!
The Hipster thanks you in advance for your efforts.
Added at_4:46:00 PM
6.17.2002
A Call to Arms
Just look at this face. This is the face of a poor soul who has spent the better part of his life searching for that most quixotic of ideals: True LoveTM. Meet Todd Rock. Todd is a "rockin' dude" whose only wish is to be swept away by the charms of some (very lucky) young lady.
Dear readers, the Hipster was deeply moved and touched by Mr. Rock's plaintive call to the benevolence of the divine goddess Aphrodite. Your Hipster began to wonder what He could do for poor little Toddy. That's when He came up with a "brilliant ideaTM". Why not ask you, beloved readers, to band together... to work together in unison, united by a common goal? O readers, let's help this poor soul.
"But Hipster," you ask, "what can I, a simple hipster with a lowercase 'h', do to help?" The answer, my friends, is simple. The Hipster would like to announce His latest project: Crusade 2002: Unbreak Todd Rock's HeartTM. The Hipster would like to ask each and every one of you to search your souls. Do you know any "Far-Out Chicks" whose coordinates you might be able to pass on to Mr. Rock? Do you have any dating tips? Suggestions? Comments? Send them to toddrock69@yahoo.com. This will be an email campaign like none that has ever come before. We will help Todd Rock find a "lovely lady" if it's the last thing We ever do, right hipsters?
NB: The above email address has been tested, and it is a real, working address. This is not a drill. We hipsters must band together in Todd Rock's time of need. There is no reason why a man like this, with so much going for him should have such a hard time "hooking up with the ladies." Look deep inside yourselves. It's the right thing to do. Email Todd Rock today.
The following is a facsimile of the email that the Hipster sent to Todd Rock just moments ago:
Dear Todd Rock:
This is the Hipster. The Hipster publishes a little website called The Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home (http://jarrodwhaley.blogspot.com). Perhaps you've heard of it.
Anyhoo, the Hipster came across your site a few days ago and became deeply intrigued by the pathos of your situation. You seem to be a "killer dude" who just wants "a little of that good lovin'". Being the philanthropist that He is, the Hipster thought that he might be able to help you in your quest for true love. The Hipster has informed His readers of your situation, and has asked them whether they too might be able to help you. You may be getting some emails from them. Do not be alarmed -- they only want to help.
With a little help and a lot of luck, We may be able to "hook you up" with that "fine betty" that you so richly deserve.
Best WishesTM,
Added at_12:29:00 AM
6.16.2002
New Alternative Search Engine Has The Big BoysTM Cringing
 How many times have you searched for something on a "major" search engine like Yahoo! or Google, and actually found what you were looking for? While the Hipster obviously cannot speak for everyone, He is going to have to go ahead and admit that He has had some rather lackluster results with these two search engines in the past. Yahoo! is particularly weak; how is one supposed to find anything using a search engine that only displays 21 pages of results for the word "marmot?" And Google is no better: many users may be impressedTM with Google's claim of indexing over one billion websites, but the Hipster, dear friends, is not.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Hipster is very excited to announce the unveiling of a brand new search engine that will revolutionize the way you "surf"! BEHOLD YANEW!
The Hipster has tested the Yanew search engine, and He is very impressed with what He saw. Just one example: a search of the word "the" returned a 404 message in which "the" appeared eight times! Now those are results! Even more impressive is the infinitely clever name of the search engine. Yanew is like Yahoo!, only new. And listen to the way it just rolls off of the tongue... yanew.... yanew... yanew...
AHRH News tried on several occasions to contact officials at either Yahoo! or Google, but (not surprisingly) neither of the two search-engine giants has responded to Our emails at "press" time. The Hipster is not surprised. If He were in their shoes, he too would be cringing in fear of this terrible threat.
Added at_1:52:00 AM
6.15.2002
The Hipster Receives Nasty Write-Up From Associated Press
The Hipster is very pissed. He is also very hurt and ashamed. Just look at what the Associated Press wrote about Him today. Poor, poor, Hipster.
Added at_12:03:00 AM
6.14.2002
The Hipster Apprehends Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. in Uzbekistan
The Hipster's Report on His long absence, PART 2
 Yesterday (earlier "today," that is), the Hipster told you of what transpired at the scene of the Beckles IncursionTM. Recap: the Military TM wanted to blow Beckles to smithereens, and the Hipster did not. Beckles escaped. The Hipster struck a deal with Colonel Dick Sticky.
But our story continues. The Hipster, seeing in the situation the possibility to get one hell of a scoop for AHRH NewsTM, accepted Col. Sticky's deal, and immediately began to track Beckles' meanderings. As "the Falcon" flitted from from one locale to the next, he left behind him the indelible trail of Beckle-osity. Though the Hipster had a good bit of trouble keeping up with the elusive Beckles, He was never very far behind. The trail led Him to such places as a pornographic comic shop, Universal Studios (where Beckles works as a VERY prolific screenwriter), and finally to Attourney GeneralTM John Ashcroft's summer home in Pinnewuktuk, Alaska, where Beckles had recently defeated Ashcroft at a very long and hard-fought game of Stratego.
The Hipster finally learned that Beckles had fled to Uzbekistan, where he was working on a dastardly plot to "rule" with Fellow Moron Alex Chiu. Upon His arrival in Uzbekistan, the Hipster was immediately able to find the hideout of His two favorite laughing-stocks, Beckles and Chiu. The two were hunkered down in an adobe hut whose exterior was decorated with thousands of pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, Spider-man, and unattractive half-naked "women." The Hipster gained entry to the hut via the front door, which was unlocked. Beckles and Chiu were sitting at a cheap laptop, cranking out ridiculous websites like this one. The Hipster was shocked to learn that Beckles and Chiu were in the process of trying to crash every server in the world by posting immense JPEG files (and in some cases, even BITMAPS!!! The HorrorTM!) to servers run by every known web hosting service.
O, the woes and throes that did make themselves felt unto the Hipster! He realized that the assassination of the two Bumbling Boobs TM was the only solution: He pulled out his tredemark Dillinger pistol and fired six rounds into the sternum of a much-befuddled Alex Chiu.
In the end, it was the Hipster who was befuddled; for the bullets that He had fired had absolutely no effect on Our "Mr." Chiu. From the throat of Dr. Chiu there came a wicked cackle (much like this one), and Chiu said to the Hipster: "You fool! Thanks to my fabulous invention I have everlasting gift called eternity of life! He then vanished before the Hipster's very eyes, cackling his chillingTM cackle.
The Hipster then took Beckles into His custody and returned to the StatesTM with His prey. But upon his return to Beckles' apartment building, the Hipster was mortified to learn that Col. Sticky had not honored his end of the bargain: he had razed the very ground upon which Beckles' humble home had once stood. Col. Sticky told the Hipster that said razing "had to be done", as "[Sticky's] MenTM [had gotten] bored." The Hipster said, "fuck it," took the remuneration that Sticky had offered Him, and left Beckles in U.S. GovernmentTM custody. He then immediately returned to AHRH NewsTM Headquarters and filed the present report.
There. Now you're up to speed. The Aging Hipster's Retirement HomeTM will now resume regular programming.
Added at_1:17:00 PM
The Hipster Apprehends Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. in Uzbekistan
The Hipster's Report on His long absence, PART 1
 The Hipster did not desert you, He was in the desert. As you know, Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr., the web's most prodigious fruitcake, was beseiged by U.S. GovernmentTM forces on April 14th in the Year of Our Hipster, 2002. What you don't know is what happened next. The Hipster would like to apologize profusely for the fact that you, His loyal readers, have been left in the dark for so long, feverishly awaiting the latest news from the front lines of the Beckles ConflictTM. You will soon see that the Hipster was away on very important United StatesTM business.
When the Hipster heard about the seige at Beckles' apartment complex, He did what He felt He should do: He immediately informed His readership of the ConflictTM and made his way to the scene of the hostilities with the firm intent of reporting back to you as soon as possible.
But when the Hipster arrived at the scene, He instantly realized that the situation was much more serious than He had ever imagined. U.S. GovernmentTM officials had been trying to reason with the reclusive Beckles for hours, but with little success. The stalemate had been going on for seventeen hours, and all hope of a diplomatic solution seemed to be lost. Neither side seemed to want to compromise: Beckles refused to make more websites, and the U.S. MilitaryTM stood firmly entrenched in its position of insisting that he make as many websites as possible; doing so would greatly aid an ailing U.S. economy, weakened as of late by the relative lack of revenue generated by the pop-up ads on Beckles' many web pages.
Colonel Dick Sticky, weary of Beckles' ceaseless stream of unheeding rejoinders, was prepared to "blow the f**king Falcon out of his f**king nest." Ever the pacifist, the Hipster stepped in and prevented Col. Sticky from slaughtering the poor schizophrenic lug that you and the Hipster know as Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr.
At that very moment, Beckles managed to escape from his fortified "roost", screaming, "the Falcon flyeth away from thee." The Hipster was happy to see Beckles escape, but Colonel Sticky was not pleased. After all, the Colonel has no website to fill with mockery-laden invective.
In the end, the Hipster managed to work out a deal with the Colonel: He would track Beckles wherever he might go, and in return, the MilitaryTM promised that it would not only fund the project, but would also refrain from blowing anything up. Tomorrow (or later today depending upon how one looks at it), the Hipster will recount the story of his amazing trip across the Atlantic, into the blighted landscape of Uzbekistan, where he apprehended "the Falcon" and saved the U.S. EconomyTM, and in so doing, the American Way of LifeTM.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's exciting continuation!
Added at_1:27:00 AM
6.13.2002
The Hipster Will Be Back Very Soon
Your Hipster, who has been away on an amazing assignment for AHRH NewsTm, will soon be returning with new posts. He would like to apologize for his long absence, and adds that the story he was working on during his "disappearance" will blow your socks off of your collective feet. It seems that the Hipster's readership has been growing in spite of the utter dearth of new content at the Home. For that he is thankful, and sends to you, his happy little cronies, his "warmest regards"TM.
Added at_1:52:00 AM
4.19.2002
U.S. Military Gets Involved in Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. Stand-Off
 Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. is under seige.
According to several eye-witnesses, as well as sources close to AHRH NewsTM, the beloved comic book collector and webmaster extraordinaire locked himself in his one-bedroom apartment this afternoon in response to a U.S. government ultimatum. Apparently, military forcesTM became irate at the good doctor when he refused to produce more websites, and demanded that he make more of them on pain of death.
U.S. GovernmentTM officials claim that recent Wall Street woes are directly linked to a slow-down in web traffic due to the fact that Beckles has produced but 23,576 web sites in the last year. "The amount of business generated by pop-up ads on Beckles' many websites is staggering. Unless "the iceman" posts a couple thousand 40MB web pages featuring Spiderman's face in the next couple of weeks, the U.S. economy will continue to suffer," said U.S. "Special" Forces Colonel Dick Sticky this afternoon (Reuters 3).
At one point in today's stand-off, Beckles showered hundreds of "pornographic" (AP 1) images on nearby tanks, saying, "It is I, the Falcon" (1). Many were shocked (Reuters 4).
One can only hope that Dr. Beckles will come to his senses. The U.S. does not need to involve itself yet again in an economically driven conflict (cf. "The Gulf War"TM).
Want to know more about Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr.?
The Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. Index
WORKS CITED:
Associated Press. "Beckles Beckons." AP Today. 19 April 2002. [http://www.ap.org/pages/aptoday/preleaseindex.html]
Reuters. "WorldCom Falls, Others Flat Post Bell." Today's Business News. 19 April 2002. [http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml?type=businessnews&StoryID=849332].
Added at_9:36:00 PM
4.17.2002
An Actual Quote
The following is an actual quote from www.alexchiu.com:
"How cheap is air? Air is priceless. Without air, we cannot survive.
If air is priceless, why don't we make our food priceless? If food becomes priceless, people no longer need to work 8 hours a day like slaves."
The Hipster will probably be farming content from www.alexchiu.com for months to come.
Added at_2:04:00 AM
Immortality The Easy Way
 T he Hipster knows what you're thinking: "Oh no, not another device that purports to give me the gift of eternal life." We've all seen them on late night TV. We've all wondered if they really work. Well needless to say, the Hipster was deeply intrigued when he stumbled across this site earlier today.
Imagine His surprise then, when He discovered that it WAS TRUE!!!! According to Alex Chiu, whose credentials obviously speak for themselves, all that one has to do in order to achieve a state of immortality is to pledge one's undying (no pun intended) fealty to a wonderfully groovy guy named Jesus Christ. Yes folks, it's as simple as that. Imagine. No more pain (well, a little). No more suffering (except in that big JC wants you to renounce all pleasure). No more war (with the possible exception of the occasional crusade). NO MORE BAD STUFF! (sort of) And it's so easy! Just send huge wads of money to...
Wait a minute. The Hipster got it all wrong. Mr. Chiu is selling magnets that you can put on your hands and/or feet. Well, this isn't that exciting after all.
The Hipster offers you his humblest apologies, and urges you to resume your search for the secret to eternal life by looking to the usual channels: QVC, HSN, ESPN @ 3:47 AM........
Added at_1:11:00 AM
4.15.2002
AHRH News is currently working on a story that will blow the lid off of the Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. story. Keep your browsers open.
Added at_1:45:00 AM
Many colors!
 The Hipster is pissed. He is really miffed. He is currently experiencing deep, ireful sentiments. Whatever you want to call it, it all adds up to the same thing.
Barely three days after AHRH NewsTM broke the story of the current child paintmentation crisis, it seems that there is already a dollar-thirsty queue of eager, opportunistic "entrepreneurs", just waiting to get their piece of the Child PaintTM pie. Now don't get the Hipster wrong, he's just as "pro-capitalism" as the next guy (cf. the recent AHRH NewsTM story on the highly laudable business practices of certain pizza delivery chains); nevertheless, he can not help but be frightened and amused by how huge corporations like Rob, Greg and James Painting choose to earn a buck.
First of all, do we really believe that these guys are super heroes? Come off it. Rob, Greg and James are no more super heroes than Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. is. This ad is obviously an attempt to tap into the new paintkid market. If you were a child whose flesh had recently been converted to paint, could you resist running away with three super heroes? The Hipster thinks not. Second, take a look at Rob, Greg and James Painting's motto: "Many Colors!" Forget the fact that this motto is something less than clever -- what do the words of this dastardly creed suggest? The Hipster will tell you - RG&JP, INC.TM is adding insult to injury by trying to lure poor, unsuspecting minority children into their insidious web of childpaint treachery.
It just makes the Hipster sick. These are not the kinds of business practices that have made the American economy what it "is" today. Let's stick to subtlety as a means of committing heinous acts upon the deadened postmodern spirit, shall we? RG&JP, INC.TM: don't be so obvious!
Added at_12:25:00 AM
4.12.2002
"Where Are They Now" Part Two
 In an attempt to contact Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr., the Hipster has sent the following message to no less than eight of his emails:
Dear sir,
My name is the Aging Hipster. I run a website called the Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home. I recently put a link to one of your many webpages on my website, as I was quite intrigued by your webmaster and comic-collecting skills. Needless to say, my readers were just as amazed as I was with your work. I have recieved numerous requests to contact you and see how things are going, as well as to ask you when you might be putting together another splendid webdesign. Please contact me as soon as possible.
yours truly,
the Hipster
With any luck, at least one of his email addresses is still operational.
Added at_10:00:00 PM
Please Take a Moment to Vote in the New Hipster Poll
It's located on the left side of the page, just under the AHRH archives. Your vote will help the Hipster continue to provide the kind of quality content that you have come to expect from Him.
Added at_7:43:00 PM
UPDATE: O, Woe of Woes!
It appears that the message that the Hipster sent to "The Childe" ran into some delivery problems. I guess the little bugger has changed emails. BUT THERE STILL MAY BE HOPE. There is an ICQ number on his website. The Hipster will do everything in his power to contact our little friend.
No further word on "the iceman" at this time.
Added at_6:35:00 PM
"Where are They Now?"
 Several of you, the Hipster's beloved and beloving readers, have expressed interest in a kind of follow-up on some of the stories on which we have reported in the past. By far, the question that I am hearing most often seems to be, "What ever happened to that }-{ello my future girlfriend kid?". You asked for it, so the Hipster is giving it to you. Don't say He didn't warn you. The following is a reprint of an e-mail that your fearless Hipster sent to the concerned party:
Hey.
I stumbled onto your site a while back, and became interested in your story. I run a website called The aging hipsters' retirement home, and posted a link to your site. since then, many of my readers have become interested in finding out how you are doing. I would like to hear from you, as I am planning on doing a "where are they now?" piece.
please get back to me at your earliest convenience.
warmest regards,
the aging hipster.
Hopefully, we will soon be able to answer your questions regarding this poor little devil's recent whereabouts and/or luck in finding a girlfriend with whom to complete the sixth grade. We are also attempting to contact Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr., but have had no luck reaching him at any of his e-mail addresses. Thankfully, since he has about 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 of them, there's still a chance.
We'll keep you posted.
Added at_6:11:00 PM
Too Much TV turns Children Into Paint
 The Associated Press shocked the world today when it announced the findings of a very bored and understimulated research group that calls itself "The Society to Prove that TV is the Tool of the Lord of the Land Where Everything is Made of Paint." Apparently, the group says that it has "proof"TM that the Lord of "Paintworld" (or Master Glidden, as he is known to them) is malevolently planning the theft of "the most terrible thing to waste": the minds of our children. Thanks to his "paintzapper" system, "Master Glidden," according to the STPTTISTOTLOTLWEIMOP, has changed the technology of American televisions in order to render them capable of converting flesh into either flat or glossy latex.
Outraged mothers stormed Capitol HillTM this morning, and threw several TV's on the National Mall, screaming: "Our children will not be pigmentized!"
Sally Jeffries of Deluth, Minnesota, whose daughter was recently "paintmentated," mailed swatches of her daughter's head to several senatorsTM, sources said at this afternoon's press conference.
AHRH NewsTM
Added at_2:29:00 PM
4.10.2002
Create-A-Cult
 If you are like the Aging Retired Hipster, you are quite worried about the recent trend of Supreme Court based "religious" groups. Long-time readers will no doubt remember the CULT OF SCALIA, and will feel a shiver go up their spines at the mention of this insidious organization.
As part of his continuing effort to investigate these kinds of cults, the Hipster has been doing research into how cults are founded. The Hipster was shocked today when he discovered the following Create-A-Cult website with the help of a Google search. Apparently, anyone can be a cult leader. Just go to this site, and follow the easy steps. (Some assembly required, not available in all areas.)
Cult formation should not be this easy. The Hipster is frightened.
Added at_6:06:00 PM
Manifesto Forthcoming - The Hipster is working diligently on his manifesto. It will soon appear on this site in installment form.
Added at_12:18:00 AM
4.09.2002
Capitalism and Free Enterprise Win Again
 After Osama Reid attacked our pie (see AHRH archives) way back on September 11, 2001, many Americans feared that our economy would take a nose-dive. These fears were entirely justified: after all, pie is obviously the basis of our economy. However, the Aging Hipster is pleased to announce that everythingTM will be fine. Here's evidence of our economy's recent upturn, as reported on a respected internet news site that cited its source (as you'll see) as the San Francisco Chronicle:
In February, a workplace-dispute murder in Menlo Park, Calif., was facilitated by the killer's phoning in a pizza order to Domino's and waiting until the delivery man innocently got the victim to open the door and present himself as a gunshot target. After the shots were fired, according to a neighbor (interviewed by the San Francisco Chronicle), the Domino's deliverer fled in fear but a few minutes later, another Domino's man arrived, gathered up the left-behind pizzas, and resumed the delivery route. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2-28-02]
The Aging Hipster, in the jovial and reassured mood that the above-cited article inspires in the "heart" of any real AmericanTM, would like to orally ejaculate a patrioticTM series of unintelligible phonemes that belong to the peculiar "language" of those that fly an American flag upon the radio antennae of their gas-guzzling SUV's (said oral ejaculation might be represented graphically as "kiss my ass, Bin Laden," or perhaps even "sit and spin, Arab pie-killer"). In today's climate, it is more apparent than ever that a victory for Domino's Pizza is a victory for the American way of life, and therefore a lethal blow to the evil practices of Arabs everywhere. Go USATM!
Those were a scary couple of months. Now, though, we can once again look down our noses at the rest of humanity.
Excuse the Hipster while he goes and buys useless crap for the fatherland!
Added at_11:14:00 PM
4.07.2002
You've probably seen this already, but in case you HAVEN'T...
Added at_11:04:00 PM
Really, REALLY Bad Websites
Added at_10:59:00 PM
AHRH Announces Winner of Its First Annual "Embarrassment To Humanity" Award!
One of the Aging Hipster's most burning passions is his tireless search for quality crappy web sites. Well this site takes the proverbial cake and pisses on it. This is the crappiest thing the Hipster has ever seen. Period. The Aging Hipster found it to be so horrible, so very heinous, so frighteningly funny that he had no other choice than to create an award for the very seriously disturbed individual who created it. So, congratulations to Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. You are the biggest Embarrassment to Humanity of 2002!
You may think that the Hipster is dealing in hyperbole when he says that this site is proof of the fact that the human experiment has been an abysmal failure. But have you seen the site yet? Seeing is believing.
The AH would like to propose the following browsing tips, which will help you to get the most of out of your viewing experience:
1) This page looks only mildly bad at first, but scroll down.
2) When you have scrolled down enough that you begin to see pictures of women, scroll to the right.
3) And remember, practice the buddy system: do not view this web site alone! Doing so can result in death from laughter and/or tears from laughter leading to extreme feelings of pity and despair.
4) Be sure to scroll both vertically and horizontally until you have seen every sad, pathetic virtual inch of this monument to the failure of human endeavor.
Happy laughing.
Added at_10:18:00 PM
4.03.2002
Sir, HAL is on line 2...
Crazy Japanese.
 Ever get phone calls from people who have to scream in your ear because they are calling from a loud place? Are you losing your voice from shouting so loud as to make yourself heard over the roaring din of the BOEING 747 engine in which you have unfortunately become lodged? Getting tired of the shouting? Well if the Japanese get their way, cellphones will someday read your lips and Robbie The Robot will do the talking for you. Check this REUTERS article out for details.
And tell the guy stuck in the jet engine that help is on its way.
Added at_4:33:00 PM
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