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aging hipsters' retirement home
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11.22.2002
Busted!
 Government officials™ told the press on Thursday that Abd al Rahim al Nashiri, whom they believe to be the "Grand Master" of al Qaeda, has been in their custody for over a month now. Al Qaeda is of course the dastardly bunch that tried to steal Our Sweet American Apple Pie™ (see the Hipster's post for 1.28.2002). Officials, who have been hounding al Qaeda ever since The Great Pie Heist™ of last year, are calling the capture of al Nashiri a great victory in The War on Terrorism™ (more colloquially known as Operation Kick-Ass). Abd al Rahim al Nashiri has been on "President" Bush's top-secret S.H.I.T. list for months. Law Enforcement™ officials have been searching for him since January, often confounded by his wily, fox-like hiding abilities.Finding him turned out to be a much simpler proposition than anyone had ever imagined. In an exclusive interview with AHRH News™, Mr. Bush spoke of just how simple:Yeah, we was real glad to find him. We had been looking all over that there desert over there in Europe, 'cause that's where them ragheads like to hang out. It's part of their... culture. I don't know, I guess they like worshipping cactuses or something. Anyways, I was in my Ovum Office the other day playing Nintendo, and Uncle Cheney called me on my Garfield phone. It's a real cool phone, the eyes just open up real big when you take the part you talk into off the hook. I think daddy got it at Service Merchandise. Anyways, uncle Cheney said they got that Abdomen Raheem Al Sushi guy over at the Federal Jail. I says to him, I says, "hey uncle Dick, that's great." He said, "Yes, Georgie, yes it is." Then he told me they found him working in a convenience store in Alexandria, Virginia. The Hipster then asked Our Leader™ how he could be sure that we have arrested the right man, to which the "President" replied:Well, it's just got to be him. I mean he's got real dark skin and he wears a rag on his head. I mean unless he's just some Mexican guy who's trying to dry his hair. I kind of doubt that, though. Mr. Bush then described his new plan aimed at capturing and lynching as many "al Qaeda operatives" as possible:Yeah, we learned a lot from this one. That whole finding him in a convenience store thing is probably the best thing that ever happened to us. That's another one in the "Win" column for U.S. Intelligence. (The Hipster doubts that Mr. Bush managed to see the many levels of ironic "entendre" in this last statement.)We're going to use that intelligence. We'll be looking for Al Keeters (sic) in convenience stores, motels, and falafel stands from here on out. That's where they hide, you see. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this 'cause it's kind of a secret, but we found another Al Keeter just yesterday. He was working at a carpet mill in Dalton, Georgia. Some of the other guys tried to tell me he was just a Mexican, but he was an Al Keeter if I ever saw one. I know he was 'cause he was speaking some weird language that didn't sound like American.Mr. Bush then looked into the Hipster's tape recorder, apparently thinking it was a camera, and said:We will not rest until we have rounded up all of you Al Keeters. You may think you can hide, but you can't run... I mean you can hide, but you can't run in circles again. We will not rest until we've rounded up all the swarthies. Next stop, Iraq. After that, I think we're going to start a war in Palestinia, but I need to talk to uncle Cheney about that. Thank you. The president then straightened his tie, shook the Hipster's hand, and walked into the closet. It would seem that he thought that it was the exit. The Hipster and His associates waited for over five minutes before Bush finally realized that he was in the closet and came out, at which point he said, "Just looking for my coat."
Added at_3:21:00 PM
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