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V.P. Cheney Confounds Reporters With Stirring Rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot"

The United States will do everything in its power to convince the Frogs and the Russkies to get their act together and support the effort to invade Iraq. If they won't get on board, well then... We'll just have to go around them. In fact, I propose that we just drop a couple hundred nucular (sic)weapons on that whole Europe/Asia thing over there and kill all those birds with one rock. I mean, who gives a horse's patoot about a bunch of Frenchies and babuskas anyway?

Mr. Cheney... Don't you think it's just a little hypocritical for the only country that has ever used nuclear weapons on an enemy to consider invading a poor, insignificant country because it is claimed that the latter has a store of "weapons of mass destruction™?"

Defense Department Unveils New Genetically Engineered Ninja Program

Secretary of "Defense" Rumsfeld released new information to the press today concerning Bush's plan to, in Rumsfeld's words, "fight fire with ninjas" (see the Hipster's post for 10-20-2002). Apparently, Our Leader™ was having trouble recruiting men that would have the kind of physical properties that he requires from his so-called "Brigade of Assassin Ninja Killers" (commonly abbreviated as B.A.N.K.).

In order to find the kinds of men who can meet the rigorous standard's of the newly created B.A.N.K., Our Leader™ ordered that government scientists begin work on a genetically engineered breed of ninja that would be able to handle the stresses that Our Leader™ has in store for them. Unable to find a suitable set of genetic material elsewhere, scientists have spliced the genes of Our Leader™ with those of, in Our Leader™'s words, "a billy goat." The president explained the decision, saying, "Daddy always said billy goats was the best ones 'cause they got hard heads. I mean, in Texas, we ain't got no room for no gophers."

It remains to be seen whether Our Leader™'s risky gambit will yield desirable results -- battle effectiveness of the new President/Billy Goat clones is as yet unproven. One has to admit that Our Leader™ was right about at least one thing, however: billy goats do indeed have hard heads.

Bush Creates Elite Ninja Unit

Since the very beginnings of the corrupt™ "regime" of Saddam Hussein, American Tacticians have been struggling with the deeply troubling problem of how to deal with that tricky Iraqi Republican Guard. While greatly emaciated by the UN sanctions, "[the Republican Guard] is a highly trained unit of dedicated Freedom™ killers," according to American Badass™ Colin Powell. What, then, are we Americans™ to do when faced with a choice between world domination and ignominious annoyance?

It's a good thing that we have a brillliant man like George W. Bush at the steering wheel of the War Wagon. At a recent conference with Vice Brother Jeb Bush, Our Leader™ learned of what is perhaps the only tactical method known to man that can possibly compare to that of the Iraqi forces; apparently, Little Bush™ is a member of a growing society of assassination theorists called "ninjas".

President™ Bush unveiled his plans to the United Nations yesterday, saying that:

We can see that, too long in our society, some powers are in direct contradiction of our policy. Saddam Hussein is one of these fringed benefits. In therefore, we will react and persue insensualism. We will defend our right. Freedom will be abolished in utero, if I can help it (APPLAUSE). Americans have always known, with great contradiction, what eight centuries of Americans have known, with great insensualism, that every case of great free dictatorismship will not be misunintolerated, but instead will not be abolished. Free industry, that is... free wisdom, is something we... understand. You... you can't free the possum without a fight. Benjamin Jefferson said, "We hold these truths to be self relevant." There's freedom in that. All I'm saying is that we need immediate power to create a force of ultimate Ninja wisdom, to be designated under my new idea of Department of Ninja Wizardry. This will be a strong department. It will require big thoughts. We are prepared for this. But also, we need to be exemplified from war crimes. Thank you.

Simultaneously, the President unveiled his new weapons program. Pundits and spinsters have generally applauded the move.

The dawn of a new kind of geo-political thought is upon us. Let us embrace the Ninja™; not because we must, but because it's best for our American Freedom™. It is clear (thanks to Mr. Bush's succinct and clear presentation of the way that the new reality has required a new means of countering Iraqi attacks) that we can no longer depend on traditional means of conflict resolution. This is not a traditional conflict. Western ideals are at stake. Let's preserve those ideals by espousing Eastern means of enemy disposal. Ninjas are our only hope. Let's kill Hussein and install a government worthy of the "51st State" in Iraq. It's the only hope for rationalistic freedom-loving human beings who love to refine that sweet, sweet (yet paradoxically "crude") oil.