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aging hipsters' retirement home
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4.19.2002
U.S. Military Gets Involved in Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. Stand-Off
 Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. is under seige.
According to several eye-witnesses, as well as sources close to AHRH NewsTM, the beloved comic book collector and webmaster extraordinaire locked himself in his one-bedroom apartment this afternoon in response to a U.S. government ultimatum. Apparently, military forcesTM became irate at the good doctor when he refused to produce more websites, and demanded that he make more of them on pain of death.
U.S. GovernmentTM officials claim that recent Wall Street woes are directly linked to a slow-down in web traffic due to the fact that Beckles has produced but 23,576 web sites in the last year. "The amount of business generated by pop-up ads on Beckles' many websites is staggering. Unless "the iceman" posts a couple thousand 40MB web pages featuring Spiderman's face in the next couple of weeks, the U.S. economy will continue to suffer," said U.S. "Special" Forces Colonel Dick Sticky this afternoon (Reuters 3).
At one point in today's stand-off, Beckles showered hundreds of "pornographic" (AP 1) images on nearby tanks, saying, "It is I, the Falcon" (1). Many were shocked (Reuters 4).
One can only hope that Dr. Beckles will come to his senses. The U.S. does not need to involve itself yet again in an economically driven conflict (cf. "The Gulf War"TM).
Want to know more about Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr.?
The Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. Index
WORKS CITED:
Associated Press. "Beckles Beckons." AP Today. 19 April 2002. [http://www.ap.org/pages/aptoday/preleaseindex.html]
Reuters. "WorldCom Falls, Others Flat Post Bell." Today's Business News. 19 April 2002. [http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml?type=businessnews&StoryID=849332].
Added at_9:36:00 PM
4.17.2002
An Actual Quote
The following is an actual quote from www.alexchiu.com:
"How cheap is air? Air is priceless. Without air, we cannot survive.
If air is priceless, why don't we make our food priceless? If food becomes priceless, people no longer need to work 8 hours a day like slaves."
The Hipster will probably be farming content from www.alexchiu.com for months to come.
Added at_2:04:00 AM
Immortality The Easy Way
 T he Hipster knows what you're thinking: "Oh no, not another device that purports to give me the gift of eternal life." We've all seen them on late night TV. We've all wondered if they really work. Well needless to say, the Hipster was deeply intrigued when he stumbled across this site earlier today.
Imagine His surprise then, when He discovered that it WAS TRUE!!!! According to Alex Chiu, whose credentials obviously speak for themselves, all that one has to do in order to achieve a state of immortality is to pledge one's undying (no pun intended) fealty to a wonderfully groovy guy named Jesus Christ. Yes folks, it's as simple as that. Imagine. No more pain (well, a little). No more suffering (except in that big JC wants you to renounce all pleasure). No more war (with the possible exception of the occasional crusade). NO MORE BAD STUFF! (sort of) And it's so easy! Just send huge wads of money to...
Wait a minute. The Hipster got it all wrong. Mr. Chiu is selling magnets that you can put on your hands and/or feet. Well, this isn't that exciting after all.
The Hipster offers you his humblest apologies, and urges you to resume your search for the secret to eternal life by looking to the usual channels: QVC, HSN, ESPN @ 3:47 AM........
Added at_1:11:00 AM
4.15.2002
AHRH News is currently working on a story that will blow the lid off of the Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. story. Keep your browsers open.
Added at_1:45:00 AM
Many colors!
 The Hipster is pissed. He is really miffed. He is currently experiencing deep, ireful sentiments. Whatever you want to call it, it all adds up to the same thing.
Barely three days after AHRH NewsTM broke the story of the current child paintmentation crisis, it seems that there is already a dollar-thirsty queue of eager, opportunistic "entrepreneurs", just waiting to get their piece of the Child PaintTM pie. Now don't get the Hipster wrong, he's just as "pro-capitalism" as the next guy (cf. the recent AHRH NewsTM story on the highly laudable business practices of certain pizza delivery chains); nevertheless, he can not help but be frightened and amused by how huge corporations like Rob, Greg and James Painting choose to earn a buck.
First of all, do we really believe that these guys are super heroes? Come off it. Rob, Greg and James are no more super heroes than Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. is. This ad is obviously an attempt to tap into the new paintkid market. If you were a child whose flesh had recently been converted to paint, could you resist running away with three super heroes? The Hipster thinks not. Second, take a look at Rob, Greg and James Painting's motto: "Many Colors!" Forget the fact that this motto is something less than clever -- what do the words of this dastardly creed suggest? The Hipster will tell you - RG&JP, INC.TM is adding insult to injury by trying to lure poor, unsuspecting minority children into their insidious web of childpaint treachery.
It just makes the Hipster sick. These are not the kinds of business practices that have made the American economy what it "is" today. Let's stick to subtlety as a means of committing heinous acts upon the deadened postmodern spirit, shall we? RG&JP, INC.TM: don't be so obvious!
Added at_12:25:00 AM
4.12.2002
"Where Are They Now" Part Two
 In an attempt to contact Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr., the Hipster has sent the following message to no less than eight of his emails:
Dear sir,
My name is the Aging Hipster. I run a website called the Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home. I recently put a link to one of your many webpages on my website, as I was quite intrigued by your webmaster and comic-collecting skills. Needless to say, my readers were just as amazed as I was with your work. I have recieved numerous requests to contact you and see how things are going, as well as to ask you when you might be putting together another splendid webdesign. Please contact me as soon as possible.
yours truly,
the Hipster
With any luck, at least one of his email addresses is still operational.
Added at_10:00:00 PM
Please Take a Moment to Vote in the New Hipster Poll
It's located on the left side of the page, just under the AHRH archives. Your vote will help the Hipster continue to provide the kind of quality content that you have come to expect from Him.
Added at_7:43:00 PM
UPDATE: O, Woe of Woes!
It appears that the message that the Hipster sent to "The Childe" ran into some delivery problems. I guess the little bugger has changed emails. BUT THERE STILL MAY BE HOPE. There is an ICQ number on his website. The Hipster will do everything in his power to contact our little friend.
No further word on "the iceman" at this time.
Added at_6:35:00 PM
"Where are They Now?"
 Several of you, the Hipster's beloved and beloving readers, have expressed interest in a kind of follow-up on some of the stories on which we have reported in the past. By far, the question that I am hearing most often seems to be, "What ever happened to that }-{ello my future girlfriend kid?". You asked for it, so the Hipster is giving it to you. Don't say He didn't warn you. The following is a reprint of an e-mail that your fearless Hipster sent to the concerned party:
Hey.
I stumbled onto your site a while back, and became interested in your story. I run a website called The aging hipsters' retirement home, and posted a link to your site. since then, many of my readers have become interested in finding out how you are doing. I would like to hear from you, as I am planning on doing a "where are they now?" piece.
please get back to me at your earliest convenience.
warmest regards,
the aging hipster.
Hopefully, we will soon be able to answer your questions regarding this poor little devil's recent whereabouts and/or luck in finding a girlfriend with whom to complete the sixth grade. We are also attempting to contact Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr., but have had no luck reaching him at any of his e-mail addresses. Thankfully, since he has about 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 of them, there's still a chance.
We'll keep you posted.
Added at_6:11:00 PM
Too Much TV turns Children Into Paint
 The Associated Press shocked the world today when it announced the findings of a very bored and understimulated research group that calls itself "The Society to Prove that TV is the Tool of the Lord of the Land Where Everything is Made of Paint." Apparently, the group says that it has "proof"TM that the Lord of "Paintworld" (or Master Glidden, as he is known to them) is malevolently planning the theft of "the most terrible thing to waste": the minds of our children. Thanks to his "paintzapper" system, "Master Glidden," according to the STPTTISTOTLOTLWEIMOP, has changed the technology of American televisions in order to render them capable of converting flesh into either flat or glossy latex.
Outraged mothers stormed Capitol HillTM this morning, and threw several TV's on the National Mall, screaming: "Our children will not be pigmentized!"
Sally Jeffries of Deluth, Minnesota, whose daughter was recently "paintmentated," mailed swatches of her daughter's head to several senatorsTM, sources said at this afternoon's press conference.
AHRH NewsTM
Added at_2:29:00 PM
4.10.2002
Create-A-Cult
 If you are like the Aging Retired Hipster, you are quite worried about the recent trend of Supreme Court based "religious" groups. Long-time readers will no doubt remember the CULT OF SCALIA, and will feel a shiver go up their spines at the mention of this insidious organization.
As part of his continuing effort to investigate these kinds of cults, the Hipster has been doing research into how cults are founded. The Hipster was shocked today when he discovered the following Create-A-Cult website with the help of a Google search. Apparently, anyone can be a cult leader. Just go to this site, and follow the easy steps. (Some assembly required, not available in all areas.)
Cult formation should not be this easy. The Hipster is frightened.
Added at_6:06:00 PM
Manifesto Forthcoming - The Hipster is working diligently on his manifesto. It will soon appear on this site in installment form.
Added at_12:18:00 AM
4.09.2002
Capitalism and Free Enterprise Win Again
 After Osama Reid attacked our pie (see AHRH archives) way back on September 11, 2001, many Americans feared that our economy would take a nose-dive. These fears were entirely justified: after all, pie is obviously the basis of our economy. However, the Aging Hipster is pleased to announce that everythingTM will be fine. Here's evidence of our economy's recent upturn, as reported on a respected internet news site that cited its source (as you'll see) as the San Francisco Chronicle:
In February, a workplace-dispute murder in Menlo Park, Calif., was facilitated by the killer's phoning in a pizza order to Domino's and waiting until the delivery man innocently got the victim to open the door and present himself as a gunshot target. After the shots were fired, according to a neighbor (interviewed by the San Francisco Chronicle), the Domino's deliverer fled in fear but a few minutes later, another Domino's man arrived, gathered up the left-behind pizzas, and resumed the delivery route. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2-28-02]
The Aging Hipster, in the jovial and reassured mood that the above-cited article inspires in the "heart" of any real AmericanTM, would like to orally ejaculate a patrioticTM series of unintelligible phonemes that belong to the peculiar "language" of those that fly an American flag upon the radio antennae of their gas-guzzling SUV's (said oral ejaculation might be represented graphically as "kiss my ass, Bin Laden," or perhaps even "sit and spin, Arab pie-killer"). In today's climate, it is more apparent than ever that a victory for Domino's Pizza is a victory for the American way of life, and therefore a lethal blow to the evil practices of Arabs everywhere. Go USATM!
Those were a scary couple of months. Now, though, we can once again look down our noses at the rest of humanity.
Excuse the Hipster while he goes and buys useless crap for the fatherland!
Added at_11:14:00 PM
4.07.2002
You've probably seen this already, but in case you HAVEN'T...
Added at_11:04:00 PM
Really, REALLY Bad Websites
Added at_10:59:00 PM
AHRH Announces Winner of Its First Annual "Embarrassment To Humanity" Award!
One of the Aging Hipster's most burning passions is his tireless search for quality crappy web sites. Well this site takes the proverbial cake and pisses on it. This is the crappiest thing the Hipster has ever seen. Period. The Aging Hipster found it to be so horrible, so very heinous, so frighteningly funny that he had no other choice than to create an award for the very seriously disturbed individual who created it. So, congratulations to Dr. Victor Franklyn Beckles, Jr. You are the biggest Embarrassment to Humanity of 2002!
You may think that the Hipster is dealing in hyperbole when he says that this site is proof of the fact that the human experiment has been an abysmal failure. But have you seen the site yet? Seeing is believing.
The AH would like to propose the following browsing tips, which will help you to get the most of out of your viewing experience:
1) This page looks only mildly bad at first, but scroll down.
2) When you have scrolled down enough that you begin to see pictures of women, scroll to the right.
3) And remember, practice the buddy system: do not view this web site alone! Doing so can result in death from laughter and/or tears from laughter leading to extreme feelings of pity and despair.
4) Be sure to scroll both vertically and horizontally until you have seen every sad, pathetic virtual inch of this monument to the failure of human endeavor.
Happy laughing.
Added at_10:18:00 PM
4.03.2002
Sir, HAL is on line 2...
Crazy Japanese.
 Ever get phone calls from people who have to scream in your ear because they are calling from a loud place? Are you losing your voice from shouting so loud as to make yourself heard over the roaring din of the BOEING 747 engine in which you have unfortunately become lodged? Getting tired of the shouting? Well if the Japanese get their way, cellphones will someday read your lips and Robbie The Robot will do the talking for you. Check this REUTERS article out for details.
And tell the guy stuck in the jet engine that help is on its way.
Added at_4:33:00 PM
What does it mean to be a Retired hipster?
 Those among you who have already been admitted into the Aging Hipsters' Retirement Home will notice that things have changed around here just a bit. First of all, there is our new mascot, Hipster Hank, who can be seen immediately to the left. In addition, the Aging Hipster recently decided that the visual composition of the website was a bit... well... spicy. Since it is no secret that those of the venerable persuasion can often experience an adverse reaction toward things that are "spicy", it became more and more apparent to the Aging Hipster that the color scheme of the old page was just a little too jaunty, and lacked a certain touch of bitter, rotting elderliness. It is for this reason that the decision was made to change the primary colors of the original page to muted grays and blacks.
The Hipster also decided upon the long-awaited "logo" of the Home. The idea was to represent, in a visual manner, the basic underlying philosophies of the modern aging hipster. The bored (freudian slip: I meant "board") of directors of the home, with the Aging Hipster's endorsement, chose the image than can be seen directly to the left of the title of the page.
The AHRHTM has been bringing you stingingTM "social commentary" since January of 2002, and is extremely proud of its long-standing tradition of excellence.
The board members of the Home are currently working on its ManifestoTM, which will be printed for the first time anywhere on this very page in the coming days. In the interim, AHRHTM chairman Jarrod Whaley (the Aging Hipster Himself) wishes to assure the AHRH's readers that we will not shy away from the issues. We will continue to cover such important issues as the Supreme Court Cult Scandal, in particular the increasingly disturbing details of the CULT OF SCALIA case. We will also continue our series of reports regarding Osama Christ (see the AHRH archives). And what's more, you can look forward to a continued emphasis to be placed on the arts and their position and influence in modern society (for an earlier example of this kind of reporting, please refer to parts one and two of the story The Unheralded Art of Our Times in th AHRH archives.
It's an exciting time for all of us here, and we hope that you will enjoy what is in store for us all at the Aging Hipsters' Retirement home.
Mr. Whaley would also like to extend a hearty Hipster WelcomeTM to all of the new admittees.
The best is yet to come...
Added at_12:33:00 AM
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